by publius
Ok, time to post. Here we go.
I haven’t had a chance to talk about Bush’s State of the Union,
but there are several interesting . . . “things”? No. “Whachamawits”? Jesus no. Let’s go with “things” . . . things to talk about. I thought
the speech was bad. The speech was bad
because it said wrong things. And wrong
things are not good.
Good lord, that looks like a paragraph a second-grader would
write. Let me try that again.
Although I haven’t written about it yet, I thought Bush’s
SOTU speech was not good because it says bad things. I think corn gas is bad because it makes corn
cost more and corn gas hurts our earth and hurting our earth is bad and bad is
not good. So corn gas is bad.
Okay, pull it together. Don’t panic. Why am I writing like
an idiot? Let’s just try a different
subject.
One of the interesting things about Laura Secor's NYT Magazine article on
Iran is that it shows that Iran is not one Iran but a whole big bunch of Irans
and that some Irans are bad and some Irans are good and we should like the good
Irans and not like the bad Irans because they are mean and mean is not good . . .
Something’s seriously wrong with me. I’m going to the doctor.
_________________________________________
[Later that afternoon, at Publius’s doctor.]
DOCTOR: Let me make
sure I have your symptoms right. You
used to be a good writer.
ME: Well, I at least
used to write at a high-school level.
DOCTOR: But in the
last few days, you’ve regressed to the writing level of a second-grader.
ME: My sentences
run together. I can’t think of adjectives
beyond good, bad, and mean. I write like
a complete imbecile. What does it mean?
DOCTOR: Mmm-Hmm. We’ve been seeing some of this lately. Tell me, have you been reading Dinesh
D'Souza’s book?
ME: (cheeks
reddening) No! Absolutely not! That man is a joke — accusing “the Left” of
causing 9/11. Even conservatives are outraged by it. I’m offended that you
would even suggest . . .
DOCTOR: Publius, I’m
your doctor. It is essential that you
tell me if you have had relations with that man if you expect me to make an
informed diagnosis. I'll ask again -- have you been
reading his book?
ME: (long
pause). I’ve read the blurbs. And I did read his op-ed in the Post today. But not the book, yet.
DOCTOR: Mmm-Hmm. I thought so. Fortunately your exposure was limited, so your writing should fully
recover.
ME: What’s wrong
with me?
DOCTOR: In his new
book, Dinesh D'Souza has reached a transcendental level of stupidity. It approaches the Platonic — nay, Kristolic —
ideal of stupid. Astrophysicists have determined that his stupidity
is so dense — so massive — that it has started absorbing light.
ME: Like a black
hole?
DOCTOR: Precisely. But it’s a little
different in that it absorbs intelligent thought, particularly writing ability
and rational analysis. Opening the cover
of his book is essentially crossing the event horizon.
ME: And what happens
after that?
DOCTOR: (with echo
effects) No one can know.
ME: Are there
long-term effects?
DOCTOR: Fortunately
for you, you only read his op-ed. While
the stupidity contained in the op-ed was dense enough to exert a gravitational
force, it was not enough to permanently deprive you of writing ability. I expect you will recover in a few days. But drink a lot of water and stay away from
Liz Cheney op-eds.
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