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July 06, 2020


I'm so sorry that your family is going through this, Sebastian. She probably feels incredibly lucky to have you all though.

All good thoughts and strength to you and your family. I just went through this with my mother.

She had been having persistent back pain for over a year, but was essentially fine otherwise. Then she fell ill in January, and in Feb had a diagnosis of Stage IV cancer. She considered treatment but then decided it was too far advanced and she didn't want to bother.
Her health rapidly declined as NY state went into lockdown. Not all of her children could travel to see her, none of her friends could visit because of the virus. Some family were on the list to be tested for COVID-19 because of possible exposure, but there were no tests available. So they were in self-isolation while my mother was dying a few miles away, with no way to get tested so they could come say goodbye if negative. It was so frustrating.

Even so, we were lucky because she was at home and some of us could take time off to take care of her.
She passed away in April, on her own terms, tough to the end.

So sorry you have this going on, Sebastian. I'm very glad you got to see your mother, and I'm glad she has you and your siblings and in-laws to help her.

As something of an aside, I'm curious about this:

"where did you learn to twist and ground the energy like that" which led to a surprising talk about spiritual knowledge not available under most types of Christianity nowadays.

But there is no urgency about replying about it.

Take care of yourself, stay well, and I hope you have more time with your mother.

All the best to you.

what russell said

Yes. wrs.

Very sorry you are facing this.

Very sorry to hear this Sebastian. You are a great son and a mensch. Praying for your mom.

How difficult and upsetting this must be for all of you, but she is lucky you are all being so supportive of her choice. The fact that it is happening in the year of Covid-19 certainly adds insult to injury.

That was a very difficult thing for me to emotionally comprehend because I'm a bit tenacious, even stubborn from time to time so it cut against my nature.

I completely understood (and identified with) this. Which makes it all the more impressive that you have subordinated your natural reaction to her needs. Strength to you all.

When I started reading, I thought we would be reading about your mom's passing. It's good that you are writing in the middle, we read the story afterwards and it doesn't really prepare us. I hope writing this was also helpful to you and please write again if you feel it would help.

Hope you and your mother hold up well, Sebastian. Grief is hard, even when paid ahead in installments.

My sister has lost both her second husband (cancer) and our father (long-expected heart failure at 92) over the last few months. She had been turned out of the hospital at the end of her husband's time due to Coronavirus restrictions. It made her situation much harder, but what can you do?

I truly suck at this sort of public discussion about grief, so anyone who is going through this has my deepest sympathy, even if not my public acknowledgement.

My late wife, after some thought, chose to have palliative chemotherapy for her angiosarcoma, for the sake of our young children. I hope it extended her life for a few months, because it was brutal.

Your mother's priorities are different. She's made the choice which is right for her, and you have done very well to accept it.

It takes time and grief truly to accept mortality. And then things look not quite the same.

Somehow a hug seems the most appropriate response, I wish I could do it. Be assured I am in my heart.

Oh, Sebastian. I'm so sorry.

I'm impressed with your Mom's choosing quality over quantity in her time remaining, and suspect the stubbornness is a family character trait. It's very good to hear the whole family is working together to get through a supremely difficult situation. You're a good kid.

Blessings and best wishes.

I’m struggling to find the words, so I’m going with what Marty said.

what hsh said.

Yeah, Marty nailed it.

As nous said, I am no good at this type of thing because, what can be said? Cherish the time you have and virtual hugs to all.

Sebastian, thank you for this post.

It is difficult, beyond the capacity of language.

We do what we can for our parents, as they did for us, and we come to realize they make their choices, pretty much on their own terms, as they came to realize the same about us while raising and listening to us.

It is all we can do, and one day, you will reach a personal peace because you and your sibling(s) did your best within the constraints life imposes.

I related my mother's long decline and death here a few years ago. Talk about stubborn, but it was self-aimed, as she was an incredibly kind person when it came to others.

I miss her terribly and think of her daily, as I do all of my beloved relatives who have passed.

If I were to adopt a religion, it would be ancestor worship.

Everything is a letting go.

Everything is a letting go.

One way I dealt with the grief from my father's death was to think of that grief as being overwhelmed by love.

One way I dealt with the grief from my father's death was to think of that grief as being overwhelmed by love.

This is a subtle and profound approach. Thank you, hsh, for the moment when that dropped beautifully into my mind.

I’ve not been around for a few days, so just now responding.
What John says reflects my feelings (and my Dad was stubborn like that, too).

I feel your anger, too, Sebastian. I hope you are able to let it go in time.

What Marty and Ugh said.

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