by publius
Inside Max Baucus’s Senate conference room. The bipartisan panel of six Senators is negotiating a bipartisan deal on health coverage reform. The Democratic Senators are Baucus, Conrad, and Bingaman. The Republican Senators are Grassley, Snowe, and Enzi.
BAUCUS: Thanks everyone for being here. I know everyone understands the historical stakes, and everyone wants to accomplish real reform. I applaud you all – bipartisanship is what makes this country great.
DAVID BRODER: Amen Senator.
BINGAMAN: Why is he here? (Broder blesses the room and leaves).
BAUCUS: I am especially grateful that our Republican friends are willing to put politics aside, and to compromise and make concessions for bipartisan reform.
ENZI: Where are the Doritos, Max?
BAUCUS: Item #1 – the surtax. Now, I hate the House as much you do. Especially Pelosi.
GRASSLEY: Especially Pelosi.
BAUCUS: But this proposal seems like a narrowly targeted tax that will keep deficits under control…
GRASSLEY: Sorry Max. That’s a non-starter for us.
SNOWE: Non-starter.
BAUCUS: I apologize. You’re right – I don’t know what got into me. It just sweeps too broadly.
GRASSLEY: Happens to the best of us.
BAUCUS: New idea – how ‘bout we limit the surtax to millionaires then?
SNOWE: That will devastate small businesses.
GRASSLEY: They’re the backbone of our economy.
BAUCUS: How about billionaires?
SNOWE: Too devastating.
BAUCUS: Strong argument Olympia. How ‘bout we limit the surtax only to billionaires who have been convicted of securities fraud?
SNOWE: That puts us on a dangerously slippery slope. I mean, where does it stop?
GRASSLEY: Investments by billionaires are the backbone of our economy.
ENZI: Bingaman, beef jerky me.
BAUCUS: OK – how about we apply the surtax only to billionaires who are convicted pedophiles and whose name begins with a “M”?
GRASSLEY: First or last name?
BAUCUS: First.
(Snowe and Grassley huddle and whisper. Snowe emerges, shaking her head).
SNOWE: Sorry Max – you don’t raise taxes during a recession. It’s a non-starter for us.
BAUCUS: Ok, no surtax. The next item – the employer mandate – still covers a lot of our costs anyway…
GRASSLEY: About that….
SNOWE: Non-starter.
BAUCUS: I’m happy to have it kick in only at high payroll thresholds.
SNOWE: I can scarcely imagine the devastation on small business.
GRASSLEY: Small business is the backbone of our economy.
BAUCUS: That’s a really good point. No mandate then.
CONRAD: I’m gritty.
BAUCUS: Next item – the public option.
(Long pause. All parties suddenly start laughing loudly, slapping each other on the back).
GRASSLEY (laughing): Dammit Max, you always get me on that one. I nearly snorted Diet Sprite out my dern nose.
BAUCUS (still laughing, catching his breath): Next item – subsidies for the working class.
GRASSLEY: Max, you know I believe in helping the working man.
BAUCUS: You’ve dedicated your life to that man.
GRASSLEY: But these projected deficits are just scarin’ me.
BINGAMAN: You realize we wouldn’t have these deficits if you agreed to even one…
BAUCUS: Shut it! Where are your manners? Go get Enzi some more Doritos. (to Grassley) My apologies – you were saying…
GRASSLEY: I’m not sure we can agree to these subsidies.
SNOWE: They’re non-starters.
BAUCUS: What if we lower subsidies to 300% of poverty?
GRASSLEY: The CBO will kill us on that.
SNOWE: Just think of the Politico headline.
BAUCUS: Well, this here is a pickle of a jam, ain’t it my friends? Any ideas?
GRASSLEY: Actually, yes.
SNOWE: We should just ditch the subsidies.
BAUCUS: You mean lower them?
SNOWE: Remove them.
BAUCUS: You've got to give me more than that. Let’s set them at five dollars above the poverty line.
SNOWE: Non-starter.
BAUCUS: Two dollars.
SNOWE: Non-starter.
BAUCUS: Fifty cents.
(Snowe and Grassley huddle and whisper. Snowe emerges, shaking her head).
SNOWE: Non-starter.
BAUCUS: Will you at least let me keep the ban on pre-existing conditions?
GRASSLEY: Did you not get our message on that?
SNOWE: That’s a non-starter too.
GRASSLEY: Too potentially devastating on small business.
BINGAMAN: What does that even mean?
ENZI (belching): Enzi bag EMPTY! (smacking Doritos bag loudly against Bingaman’s face) Enzi want MORE!
BAUCUS: My friends, let me apologize for this rudeness. I will of course accept your gracious conditions. And he’ll (pointing to Bingaman) get you more Doritos.
GRASSLEY: Good man, Max, you’re a true patriot.
SNOWE: We’ve accomplished something great here.
BAUCUS: It’s historic.
BINGAMAN: You realize that you’ve agreed to a bill that doesn’t actually do anything. You’ve literally eliminated every single provision.
SNOWE: It gets a great CBO score though.
GRASSLEY: And just think how sweet the Politico headline will be.
SNOWE: Don’t forget Halperin.
BAUCUS: Well, now, Bingawhacha over there –
BINGAMAN: Bingaman. I’m the senior Senator from New Mexico.
BAUCUS (whispering to Grassley): I told my secretary Ben Nelson, but she misunderstood me. And I don't want to hurt his feelings... (back to group) Well, that boy there makes a good point. What do we get in return? Remember that I have to go back and sell this to the damn liberals.
GRASSLEY: It’s a fair question, and we’re willing to work with you here.
BAUCUS: That sounds like the Chuck I know.
GRASSLEY: Here’s our deal – we promise that no Senate Republican will be mean to you on the Sunday morning talk shows, and that no one will call you a liberal.
SNOWE: For three months.
BAUCUS: Well, boys, that there sounds like a deal I can live with. Benjamin…
BINGAMAN: Bingaman.
BAUCUS: Get me the Post editorial room.
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