Deep Inside the Baucus Caucus

by publius

Inside Max Baucus’s Senate conference room.  The bipartisan panel of six Senators is negotiating a bipartisan deal on health coverage reform.   The Democratic Senators are Baucus, Conrad, and Bingaman.  The Republican Senators are Grassley, Snowe, and Enzi.

BAUCUS:  Thanks everyone for being here.  I know everyone understands the historical stakes, and everyone wants to accomplish real reform.  I applaud you all – bipartisanship is what makes this country great.

DAVID BRODER:  Amen Senator.

BINGAMAN:  Why is he here?  (Broder blesses the room and leaves).

BAUCUS:  I am especially grateful that our Republican friends are willing to put politics aside, and to compromise and make concessions for bipartisan reform.

ENZI:  Where are the Doritos, Max?

BAUCUS:  Item #1 – the surtax.  Now, I hate the House as much you do.  Especially Pelosi.  

GRASSLEY:  Especially Pelosi.

BAUCUS:  But this proposal seems like a narrowly targeted tax that will keep deficits under control…

GRASSLEY:  Sorry Max.  That’s a non-starter for us.

SNOWE:  Non-starter.

BAUCUS:  I apologize.  You’re right – I don’t know what got into me.  It just sweeps too broadly.  

GRASSLEY:  Happens to the best of us.

BAUCUS:  New idea – how ‘bout we limit the surtax to millionaires then?

SNOWE:  That will devastate small businesses.

GRASSLEY:  They’re the backbone of our economy.

BAUCUS:  How about billionaires?

SNOWE:  Too devastating.

BAUCUS:  Strong argument Olympia.  How ‘bout we limit the surtax only to billionaires who have been convicted of securities fraud?

SNOWE:  That puts us on a dangerously slippery slope.   I mean, where does it stop?

GRASSLEY:  Investments by billionaires are the backbone of our economy.

ENZI:  Bingaman, beef jerky me.

BAUCUS:  OK – how about we apply the surtax only to billionaires who are convicted pedophiles and whose name begins with a “M”?

GRASSLEY:  First or last name?

BAUCUS:  First.

(Snowe and Grassley huddle and whisper.  Snowe emerges, shaking her head).

SNOWE:  Sorry Max – you don’t raise taxes during a recession.  It’s a non-starter for us.

BAUCUS:  Ok, no surtax.  The next item – the employer mandate – still covers a lot of our costs anyway…

GRASSLEY:  About that….

SNOWE:  Non-starter.

BAUCUS:  I’m happy to have it kick in only at high payroll thresholds.

SNOWE:  I can scarcely imagine the devastation on small business.

GRASSLEY:  Small business is the backbone of our economy.

BAUCUS:  That’s a really good point.  No mandate then.

CONRAD:  I’m gritty.

BAUCUS:  Next item – the public option.

(Long pause.  All parties suddenly start laughing loudly, slapping each other on the back).

GRASSLEY (laughing):  Dammit Max, you always get me on that one.  I nearly snorted Diet Sprite out my dern nose.

BAUCUS (still laughing, catching his breath):  Next item – subsidies for the working class.

GRASSLEY:  Max, you know I believe in helping the working man.

BAUCUS:  You’ve dedicated your life to that man.

GRASSLEY:  But these projected deficits are just scarin’ me.

BINGAMAN:  You realize we wouldn’t have these deficits if you agreed to even one…

BAUCUS:  Shut it!  Where are your manners?  Go get Enzi some more Doritos.  (to Grassley)  My apologies – you were saying…

GRASSLEY:  I’m not sure we can agree to these subsidies.

SNOWE:  They’re non-starters.

BAUCUS:  What if we lower subsidies to 300% of poverty?

GRASSLEY:  The CBO will kill us on that.

SNOWE:  Just think of the Politico headline.

BAUCUS:  Well, this here is a pickle of a jam, ain’t it my friends?  Any ideas?

GRASSLEY:  Actually, yes.

SNOWE:  We should just ditch the subsidies.

BAUCUS:  You mean lower them?

SNOWE:  Remove them.

BAUCUS:  You've got to give me more than that.  Let’s set them at five dollars above the poverty line.

SNOWE:  Non-starter.

BAUCUS:  Two dollars.

SNOWE:  Non-starter.

BAUCUS:  Fifty cents.

(Snowe and Grassley huddle and whisper.  Snowe emerges, shaking her head).

SNOWE:  Non-starter.

BAUCUS:  Will you at least let me keep the ban on pre-existing conditions?

GRASSLEY:  Did you not get our message on that?

SNOWE:  That’s a non-starter too.

GRASSLEY:  Too potentially devastating on small business.

BINGAMAN:  What does that even mean?

ENZI (belching):  Enzi bag EMPTY!  (smacking Doritos bag loudly against Bingaman’s face)  Enzi want MORE!

BAUCUS:  My friends, let me apologize for this rudeness.  I will of course accept your gracious conditions.  And he’ll (pointing to Bingaman) get you more Doritos.

GRASSLEY:  Good man, Max, you’re a true patriot.

SNOWE:  We’ve accomplished something great here.

BAUCUS:  It’s historic.

BINGAMAN:  You realize that you’ve agreed to a bill that doesn’t actually do anything.  You’ve literally eliminated every single provision.

SNOWE:  It gets a great CBO score though.

GRASSLEY:  And just think how sweet the Politico headline will be.

SNOWE:  Don’t forget Halperin.

BAUCUS:  Well, now, Bingawhacha over there –

BINGAMAN:  Bingaman.  I’m the senior Senator from New Mexico.

BAUCUS (whispering to Grassley):  I told my secretary Ben Nelson, but she misunderstood me.  And I don't want to hurt his feelings...  (back to group)  Well, that boy there makes a good point.  What do we get in return?  Remember that I have to go back and sell this to the damn liberals.

GRASSLEY:  It’s a fair question, and we’re willing to work with you here.  

BAUCUS:  That sounds like the Chuck I know.

GRASSLEY:  Here’s our deal – we promise that no Senate Republican will be mean to you on the Sunday morning talk shows, and that no one will call you a liberal.

SNOWE:  For three months.

BAUCUS:  Well, boys, that there sounds like a deal I can live with.  Benjamin…

BINGAMAN:  Bingaman.

BAUCUS:  Get me the Post editorial room.

Comments

[chmood]

Plays like a scene from "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" (gawd I love that movie)

[RMcD]

What I don't get is why Cheney left his bugs in the Senate offices and how you got the transcripts. I think this is a criminal matter requiring special council that a bipartisan majority in Congress could get behind.

[tgirsch]

Fantastic stuff, publius.

[Tony P.]

There is much truthiness in publius's transcript of the Baucus Caucus meeting. Well done!

--TP

[Mike]

Believable.

[Eric Martin]

it was better than Cats

[jonnybutter]

The doritos stuff was a nice touch. A jar of lo-fat mayonnaise and a spoon would've worked, too.

[Fair Economist]

Thoroughly unrealistic. The Republicans Senators would never *really* be like that. They would be far more uncompromising and have far less concern for anybody other than the rich. :-P

[Kastanj]

Far too lenient.

[Hob]

If I were one of the 345,937 people who voted for Max Baucus in 2008, I would be feeling very special right now.

[Cardozo]

It's all about the filibuster.

Let's keep in mind that Senator Baucus (whose substantial support through campaign contributions from the health insurance industry has many understandably concerned) is in charge of one Senate committee.

What happens in Senate Finance does not determine the ultimate bill that arrives on the president's desk.

I humbly suggest that we need to ID the Democrats who might potentially filibuster a bill with a public option, and organize an onslaught of calls and letters.

[judson]

When I was a waiter many years ago I waited on Bingaman several times. He really is a man of few words.

"Over easy, dry toast..decaf..thanks"

[Gary Farber]

"I humbly suggest that we need to ID the Democrats who might potentially filibuster a bill with a public option, and organize an onslaught of calls and letters."

I think you mean "potentially filibuster a bill without a public option." You can only filibuster against a bill: not for one.

[Woody]

I think you're being overly generous to Bingaman.

He's about as useless as tits on a boar, unless he's bringing another wing of aircraft to the State...He's got us the murder-drone training base, now, too.