Eric Martin: Safeguarding Female Sexuality, One Vagina at a Time

by Eric Martin

The Greater Western World should rejoice at the news that, by virtue of my engagement to be married which was made official* this past Friday, I will be doing my part in, as Sam Schulman so eloquently put it, "protecting and controlling the sexuality of the child-bearing sex."  That is, I will be The Decider in terms of "who may and who may not have sexual access to" my fiancee and and "how her adulthood–and sexual accessibility–is defined."

As my reward for this selfless task I will be "surrendering the dream of gratifying [my] immediate erotic desires. Instead, heroically, resignedly, [I will] march up the aisle with [my] new bride, starting out upon what that cad poet Shelley called the longest journey, attired in the chains" of marriage.

But then, I'm a hopeless romantic. 

And she?  The luckiest woman on the face of the planet.

(*edited for clarity, and to expunge prurient connotations)

Comments

[jdog]

Ummmm, Congrats? . . .

[Eric Martin]

Don't equivocate!

[hairshirthedonist]

"And she? The luckiest woman on the face of the planet."

You obviously have never met my wife or seen me naked. Congratulations, none the less. (You'll be under a lot less pressure at closing time.)

[Jay C]

Mazel Tov!!

I guess...

So. Eric: what exactly was "consummated" on Friday? You engagement? Your wedding? Some other sort of "consummation" NFSW on a family blog?

Your voyeuristic readers Inquiring minds want to know!
;)

[AIMAI]

Oh congratulations Eric as you stumble down into that vale from which no man returneth (unless he's sam shulman, I guess). Marriage is fantastic, even heterosexual marriage with all the drawbacks and horrors that you've just had limned for you so clearly.

aimai

[DecidedFenceSitter]

You know Eric, as lucky as the girl is, for a man such as yourself, you really should shoot for safeguard more than one vagina at a time, it is only fair and just.

One moment while I firmly remove my tongue from my cheek.

Congratulations!

[Eric Martin]

So. Eric: what exactly was "consummated" on Friday? You engagement? Your wedding? Some other sort of "consummation" NFSW on a family blog?

Seeing as we haven't tied the knot yet, sexual intercourse is out of the question. For her.

Joking aside, we got engaged.

[Eric Martin]

You know Eric, as lucky as the girl is, for a man such as yourself, you really should shoot for safeguard more than one vagina at a time, it is only fair and just.

I think I'll take that up with her forthwith - there is no limit to my capacity for self-sacrifice.

[Personal Failure]

Eric, please videotape that discussion.

[The Editors]

Heterosexual marriage? I'm pretty sure Obama banned that. Tough break, kid.

A hearty "Allahu Akbar" to you both anyway.

[Pithlord]

Congrats.

[tgirsch]

Has the lucky girl read this, and if she has, is she still the lucky girl?

P.S. Congrats.

[Eric Martin]

Has the lucky girl read this, and if she has, is she still the lucky girl?

She doesn't read blogs.

And if she did, she knows I'm only kidding and like love her so much and agree that she is in charge and stuff like that. Honey?

[Point]

Congrats.

[Bernard Yomtov]

Mazel tov, Eric.

[russell]

"as Sam Schulman so eloquently put it"

The only way I can get my head around stuff like this is to think of it as some kind of performance art.

I'm talking about Schulman's piece, not Eric's news.

Congratulations and best wishes, Eric!

[Slartibartfast]

"and agree that she is in charge"

Strong in the force is this one.

[cleek]

congratutations!

[JanieM]

Congrats, Eric. :)

And thanks for linking to that Sadly, No piece, which gave me my laugh of the month. (Yeah, I lead a quiet life.)

[jdog]

Congrats!!

[hairshirthedonist]

russell: "The only way I can get my head around stuff like this is to think of it as some kind of performance art."

Did you like this part?

"Incest prohibition and other kinship rules that dictate one's few permissible and many impermissible sweethearts are part of traditional marriage. Gay marriage is blissfully free of these constraints. There is no particular reason to ban sexual intercourse between brothers, a father and a son of consenting age, or mother and daughter."

The guy's a wild man. Not only that, but had I known about this "kinship" business, I would have realized that homosexuals had no need, say, to visit their dying partners in the hospital or receive SS benefits or other such things that heterosexual seem to need. It's all kinship. Who knew?

[Nell]

Congratulations, Eric, to you both.

[Mike Schilling]

Mazeltov.

[magistra]

Congratulations on deciding to take up the Straight Man's Burden. And best wishes for both your futures.

[bedtimeforbonzo]

Congratulatons, Eric.

Sounds like she will be making an honest man out of you.

I hope opposite marriage works as well for you as it has for me since taking the plunge almost five years ago. Others may disagree, but it will change you (hopefully for the better) and the relationship between you and the boss will constantly evolve, but she will remain the boss.

Never: Comment on her weight (even when she asks; in that instance, be non-commital). Tell her you did not like something she cooked, even if you thought it was simply constructive criticism (unless you are fully prepared to take over the kitchen).

Remember: "Yes, Honey," is a good all-purpose response, especially when you are trying to watching the game and she could care less about it (except if she picks up on the "Yes, Honey" as being too rote, in you case she will accuse you of no longer caring. Also: giving a "Yes, Honey" when you truly aren't paying attention puts you in peril of signing off on something you might regret).

---

Scene from a marriage . . .

Take One: Yours truly finishes work late Saturday, figuring he can catch the last couple innings of the Phillies-Yankees nationally televised game. Calls Honey's cell. "We'll be home in a couple minutes, too, honey," the wife says, "and make smoothies."

"Smoothies?" I ask.

"Yeah, we just bought a blender."

Me: "Oh."

My Chapter 7 (not joint) was granted a couple weeks ago. This is supposed to be batten-down-the-hatches, save-the-house time. June 1st's $1,400 mortgage payment is not yet in the mail, because I only have $200 in the bank. And I'm going home to a new stainless steel blender.

The smoothies were good.

Take Two: This being my 1-9 day, Honey comes back to bed after she sees the boy off to school, we sleep late and start feeling randy. Foreplay ensues. No candles, or soft music, from our gone-by dating era, but the feeling is good. Then Honey expresses hope there's still time to get Mom over from Russia for this summer if her visa problems get straightened out soon. I'm thinking to myself: Weren't we in the middle of something? I lose track of that and whatever it was Honey was saying about Mom and Russia and visa troubles. The cats keep doing what cats do when they want you to know they're hungry.

I feed the cats.

[Ugh]

Congrats Eric!

[Gary Farber]

"The Greater Western World should rejoice at the news that, by virtue of my engagement to be married which was consummated this past Friday...."

This sentence actually seems to be saying that you got married on Friday; the lack of clarity here is the reason why folks were having trouble making out what you were saying. I didn't recognize, myself, that that's not what you were announcing, until you clarified in comments. A consummated engagement is a marriage. (Technically the first intercourse after marriage, actually.)

By the way, mazel tov, and many congrats, and eternal happiness, and all joy, and you go!

[Eric Martin]

Fixed.

[liberal japonicus]

"surrendering the dream of gratifying [my] immediate erotic desires."

Now that sounds hot...

[wj]

Congratulations, Eric.

Just one word of warning: There are those (and I'm married to one) who take specific, and strong, exception to hearing the phrase "Yes, dear" during (and especially at the end of) any discussion. Agreement is OK -- but never, ever give the impression that it might be pro forma!

[mckinneytexas]

Congratulations! Please go back and re-read Slarti's comments.

[d'd'd'dave]

Why did you wait until California Prop 8 was upheld to commit to this?

[hilzoy]

Congrats, Eric!

(Going back to waiting for someone else to control access to my genitalia now ...)

[bedtimeforbonzo]

wj/Eric: "Yes, honey" can be taken in the same negative way as "Yes, dear" -- or not.

In our case, Olga's pet name has become Honey (capital H). I like it, she likes it. More of than not, she calls me honey, too, not Tony, and I like it.

Of course, this can make others want to puke. Honey will call me at work: "We are out of honey, honey." Me: "Yes, Honey, I will get honey."

[Anarch]

(Going back to waiting for someone else to control access to my genitalia now ...)

I'll be happy to, provided we can equip you with a remote-controlled chastity belt. Very reasonable rates, too.

[Shane]

At a party early in our marriage. I still have no idea what they were talking about in the front room, but she calls out:

"Shane, do I honor and obey you?"

Two rooms filled with silent listening.

Me, recovering: "Yes, dear."
------
Congrats, Eric. I hope wooing doesn't interrupt your political snark too terribly.

[Warren Terra]

Congratulations. May it go better than either of Shulman's first two marriages (and, heck, better than his current one as well).

[Ted]

Congratulations!

Two other phrases you may find useful: "You're probably right" and "I can't argue with you about that." On the second one, be sure not to emphasize "I", "can't", or "you."

I used to get away with "I don't want you to think..." (for example, "I don't want you to think I'm not pulling my weight around here") until she realized that that's not the same thing as me actually pulling my weight. I hated to lose the "I don't want you to think" construction, but it was inevitable.

[dr ngo]

As mrs dr ngo (who is actually master master ryo) and I approach our fortieth anniversary this fall, I pass on to you the secret to a long marriage:

1) Don't leave.
2) Don't die.

The rest time will take care of.

Seriously, congratulations.

[Hartmut]

If we take Mr.Schulman literally then a husband is his fiancee/wife's pimp ("who may and who may not have sexual access to"). Who does he think he is? The pharaoh that collects the stones for his pyramid by prostituting a female relative (although I think that was his daughter not his wife)?
---
May your engagement be short and your marriage long but both happy.

[Eric Martin]

Shane,

When my fiancee's brother got married a few years back, she was in the wedding party standing at the bride's side at the makeshift chapel. As the clergyman made reference to her sister in law's obligation to "honor and obey" her brother, my fiancee folded her arms, pursed her lips and frowned noticeably. At least to me, because I was watching her most the time anyway.

I was sitting in my row laughing to myself, thinking she might just level the clergyman right then and there.

Since then, "honor and obey" is a serial joke that I use to poke her with. But no, she's not the "obeying" type.

[Jesurgislac]

Eric, back when Lord Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane were discussing whether or not to say "Obey" in their marriage vows, Wimsey declared himself against, because he would consider it a shocking breach of good manners to give orders to his wife: Vane declared herself for, because he would give orders fast enough if the house was on fire: Wimsey suggested they both promise to obey; and it then occurred to them both that the bloggers tabloid journalists would enjoy mocking them if they did, and hastily retreated to (then) the standard procedure: Vane promised to obey, Wimsey promised to cherish, both promised to honor.

The Dowager Duchess of Denver recorded all this in her diary and added Shocking victory of sentiment over principle, which, however irrelevant the wrangle over vows, is an excellent summary of the marriage state. Which is to say:

Congratulations and best wishes!

(Does this mean you are planning to destroy gay marriage, or would that just be a sideline?)

[JanieM]

Jes, I love the Dowager Duchess's diary. And we have GBS in common too.

You have good taste in reading material. ;)

[Shane]

Eric - indeed.

'Obey' was nowhere in our vows, either, since they were self-written (and kinda rambly and no doubt intolerably twee. Hmm, I should go dig those up for a re-read).

"man and woman" was in the ceremony though, much to my disgust. Sticking that petty little bit of political propaganda into *my* wedding day wasn't the worst thing Howard did as PM, by far, but it was the most personal slap in the face. It wasn't the gays interfering with my marriage, at all.

[Eric Martin]

"Does this mean you are planning to destroy gay marriage, or would that just be a sideline?"

No, it just means that my marriage will only last until a majority of states legalize gay marriage, and then it's box turtles all the way for me ;)

But thanks, and great story!