Anniversary

by hilzoy

A year ago today:

12:40:41 AM Andy: I've got to go.
12:40:43 AM Andy: *sighs*
12:40:45 AM Hilary: kk
12:40:54 AM Hilary: Bye. Have a great day.
12:41:01 AM Andy: Thanks. Sleep well.

It was, of course, morning in Iraq, and Andy Olmsted was heading out on a mission. Some hours later, he was killed. I had no words then, and I have no words now.

But I'm more grateful than I can say that Andy asked that his death not be politicized. Without the thought that he would have hated it so much, I'm sure I would have lost it entirely sometime during the last year, when someone talked about war a little too blithely. He kept me from that. I just wish I could, in some way, have returned the favor.

I'm also enormously grateful to the community at Obsidian Wings, who were truly wonderful during the days and weeks after Andy died. I think he would have been so proud, at least after he got over his embarrassment at the response to his last post. (It would have meant the world to him, though.)

The thought that every one of the 4221 Americans, 317 other coalition troops, and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis has friends and families who feel the same hole in their world is unimaginably awful. My heart goes out to them all, but especially, on this day, to Andy's wife, his family and friends, and to those of Thomas Casey, who was killed with him.

***

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Comments

[(The Original) Francis]

you posted, or linked to, a remarkably poignant lolcat that was a picture of a soldier in full combat attire petting a cat. Could you repost that in Andy's memory?

thx by.

[Fraud Guy]

Amen.

[Chris P]

I can't believe it's been a year. Given the incredible year we've had, i find myself missing his perspective and presence from a lurkers pov.

[Jesurgislac]

more animals

(Feel free to delete this comment and repost pic to front page if you like, Hilzoy.)

[Jesurgislac]

has friends and families who feel the same hole in their world is unimaginably awful

Yes. It brought it home with a vengeance; more than a million people have been killed, and each one hurts the same way this loss hurts us.

[Gary Farber]

I had no words then, and I have no words now.

It's why I threw myself into finding and posting links to stories about Andy, and to doing my best to see that people got his name right.

Because I had no words of my own then, and I have no words now.

I still haven't deleted my draft letter to him in my Yahoo files from 1/3/08, either.

Because I had no words of my own after that, and I have no words now.

[liberal japonicus]

Is the address for the fund Captain Casey's children still good? If it is, you might want to put it in an update.

[Slartibartfast]

Seconded, thirded, etc. I didn't know Andy the way that hilzoy did, but I'd been reading him in comments for years, and admired his composure and intelligence greatly. I would have been proud to count him among my friends.

[Slartibartfast]

See, even that seemed excessively lame. It's why I mostly don't say anything at all: nothing I say about this suffices.

[Heather]

Thank you hilzoy.

[David]

Thank you hilzoy.

[wonkie]

Thank you from me, too, hilzoy.

[Anarch]

Thank you.

[Barrett Wolf]

Another county heard from...

Thanks H.

[hilzoy]

Not entirely sure what I did to deserve thanks, but: you're welcome.

[wonkie]

Well speaking for myself, thaks for posting the anniversery memorial and thanks for writing something because I certainly can't.

[Sebastian]

[tear]

[wes]

Thanks for the comments, both from Hilzoy and all the others who have done so during the past year. Nancy and I have gotten some solace from the idea that so many people admired and respected Andy. I know how much he enjoyed blogging, and how much he enjoyed getting comments. The comments seem like a fitting tribute to my son.

Wes Olmsted

[nancy]

IF anyone is interested, Andy's blogsite is back up [email protected]
In the spring Vantage Press will be publishing "A Soldier's Words", a book of his blogs from Iraq and his final post.
I hope some of you will want a copy as a tribute to Andy.
Andy's Mom

[ral]

My condolences to all who knew and loved Andrew.

[matttbastard]

Well speaking for myself, thaks for posting the anniversery memorial and thanks for writing something because I certainly can't.

Yes, that (he said, nearly 4 hours after first clicking on this post...)

[publius]

words fail - but thanks for posting. it's important to remember

[PhoenixRising]

Thanks for the reminder.

Thomas Casey, who died with Andy, was memorialized at a location near me. In honor of Andy's life and work, I attended the service and thanked Tom's wife for his service on behalf of this community.

Hope no one feels I overstepped, but I'm not sure it was even a voluntary act--I read the story about Andy's death online, linked to the story about Tom, and clocked out to walk over to the church.

I didn't know either of them but Andy's writing brought his work to life.

[Gary Farber]

"Hope no one feels I overstepped"

Services are usually clearly private, or clearly not (the majority in the U.S. are not, particularly military services), and I can't see why attending a non-private service, out of respect, would be over-stepping, regardless of whether you knew the deceased or had any contact with any relatives or friends, or not. That's why it's not a private ceremony. Private services are clearly labeled.

[ming]

yes, thanks, hilzoy, for the reminder.

thanks, andy, for your service, and for sharing your words and thoughts. reading you, it was clear to me you really *lived* -- loved, thought, grappled, shared, listened. we are better for your having been here, and sorry that you had to go.

[Harris]

It's unfair in its way, that the death of one should be more real than the other 4,000+ deaths; or that this death should change my thinking in ways all the others did (and have) not. But Andy's death did that for me.

[John Spragge]

To a clear, intelligent and knowledgeable voice and a good man, taken from all of us much too soon. May we deal with the future with the seriousness and integrity the stakes require, for the sake of the memory of those who have gone before us, and for those who will come after us.

[Bill]

RIP Andy Olmstead.

While otherwise a nice post, this statistic is inaccurate:

hundreds of thousands of Iraqis

[Gary Farber]

"this statistic is inaccurate"

It's my opinion, for what it's worth, that this thread is not an appropriate place for that kind of argument.

I wish there were a weekend open thread to refer it to. That's where I'd point out that here we find that the documented number of Iraqi deaths due to violence since the invasion is said to be "90,249 – 98,517," which is close enough to 100,000 that it doesn't seem to me worth quibbling about, even if this was an appropriate thread to do so in. Said arguments inevitably quickly get to debates over sources and methodologies over which people won't necessarily agree, of course.

[Bill]

"It's my opinion, for what it's worth, that this thread is not an appropriate place for that kind of argument. "

Yeah, I hesitated and thought about that ... but then decided, given Olmsted's desire to have his death viewed in a non-political context, that the above post should avoid characterizations/stats that are inherently fraught with political implications.

I understand and agree with the sentiment behind mentioning that many people have felt tremendous loss, however. No matter what the statistic is, a lot of people have lost their lives.

I think a fitting tribute to Olmsted is that he was trying to make the overall number a little less when he gave his own. He was, as a lot of people who have given their lives, a romantic.

No disrespect intended.

[Prodigal]

Thank you for the post to remind us, Hilzoy.

And to Andy's Mom, thank you for letting us know about the book. I look forward to buying a copy in memory of your son.

[von]

Thanks, Hilzoy, for reminding us.

And I, too, look forward to buying Andy's book.

[Jesurgislac]

Bill: Yeah, I hesitated and thought about that ... but then decided, given Olmsted's desire to have his death viewed in a non-political context, that the above post should avoid characterizations/stats that are inherently fraught with political implications.

FWIW, I agreed.

While I think it's tragic in its own way that being accurate about how many Iraqis have been killed is regarded as political, it is.

And we should avoid politics in this thread, as Andy asked us to.

I understand and agree with the sentiment behind mentioning that many people have felt tremendous loss, however. No matter what the statistic is, a lot of people have lost their lives.

Yes. I was re-reading the original memorial thread not long ago - remembering without reminder that it had been almost a year - and thinking how something like this, the death of someone we all cared about, is something that opened us up to comity in a way that sometimes funerals and wakes do. When people are being honest about just how much it hurts, on a personal and human level, that this person is gone. I won't ever have a fight with G'Kar again over US or international politics, and damn, I want to.

But what hurts worst of all is that Andy had asked me for something - which I had done what I could while Andy was in Iraq. There was a lot more to do. None of it could be done then. None of it can ever be done now. Andy's beyond regrets about that, but I'm not.

The scale of this loss multiplied upwards is almost inconceivable. Even if it were only by a hundred thousand.

[Sam Simple]

The bitter truth is that Andy and every other soldier in Iraq died for nothing. Nothing. Their lives have been utterly wasted.

Redemption will only occur when the prison doors close behind George W. Bush and Richard Bruce Cheney.

[Gary Farber]

Once more, with feeling, from Andy's final post:

[...]

I do ask (not that I'm in a position to enforce this) that no one try to use my death to further their political purposes. I went to Iraq and did what I did for my reasons, not yours. My life isn't a chit to be used to bludgeon people to silence on either side. If you think the U.S. should stay in Iraq, don't drag me into it by claiming that somehow my death demands us staying in Iraq. If you think the U.S. ought to get out tomorrow, don't cite my name as an example of someone's life who was wasted by our mission in Iraq. I have my own opinions about what we should do about Iraq, but since I'm not around to expound on them I'd prefer others not try and use me as some kind of moral capital to support a position I probably didn't support. Further, this is tough enough on my family without their having to see my picture being used in some rally or my name being cited for some political purpose. You can fight political battles without hurting my family, and I'd prefer that you did so.

If you feel the temptation to do otherwise here, kindly STFU.

[russell]

The bitter truth is that Andy and every other soldier in Iraq died for nothing. Nothing. Their lives have been utterly wasted.

I think it's important to remember that the value and consequence of a human life does not depend on how it ends, but on how it is lived.

A terrible cliche, of course, but true nontheless.

Andy chose his own path. His life was his own to spend as he saw best, and that is what he did.

The longest thread ever on this site, by a huge margin, was the one following hilzoy's posting of Andy's farewell comments. Hundreds and hundreds of people replied to say how Andy had, somehow, touched their lives.

Regardless of my opinion of our foreign policy over the last eight years, it would be utterly impossible for me to say that Andy's life was wasted.

When my wife and I were visiting her family over the holidays, we got together with an old friend of hers. He's a regular, truck-driving, blue-collar guy, looking to ride out his current pretty good local-run gig for another few years so he can retire and play with his grandkids. He's a good guy.

His son was killed in Iraq three years ago. He's spent quite a bit of time since then dealing with that. He participated for a while in a support group for folks who had lost family members in Iraq and Afghanistan. In that group, he dealt a lot with a couple who are his social and political opposites.

Their differences did not matter. Their love for and pride in their kids, and the simple human grief they shared at their loss, were by far more important than their social and political differences.

If my wife's friend, and Andy's family and loved ones, can rise above the politics in remembering the folks they've lost, so can we all.

Everyone's life is larger than the particular circumstances by which they leave it. The lives of the folks who have died over the last few years were not wasted, and do not require us to redeem them.

Thanks -

[dutchmarbel]

I thought about him, and have thought about him a lot the past year. For me he gives a face to the fallen fighters on all sides of all conflicts, makes them human individuals instead of nameless pawns. He always will.

[Gary Farber]

Final post:

[...] On a similar note, while you're free to think whatever you like about my life and death, if you think I wasted my life, I'll tell you you're wrong. We're all going to die of something. I died doing a job I loved. When your time comes, I hope you are as fortunate as I was.

[wes]

Andy's life was not 'wasted' in any sense of the word. He lived life fully as long as he could and contributed much, both to his family and to the world blogging community. The love expressed by so many people post-Andy made even his death something special. If his words change even one life for the better, who could ask for a better legacy?

[hilzoy]

Sam Simple: owing to real life, I missed your comment. It would have been the decent thing to respect Andy's wish that his death not be politicized.

Since you brought it up, though: I have argued before that the phrase "X's life was wasted" is misleading, since the passive voice lets it mean different things, depending on who you take the implied subject to be. It could mean: "someone (e.g., Bush) wasted X's life -- i.e., threw it away for no good reason, without any sense of the value of what s/he was throwing away." Discussing whether or not Andy's life was wasted in this sense would violate his wishes.

It could also mean "X wasted his or her life -- e.g., by frittering it away on things that don't matter at all, without ever doing anything worth doing." In this sense, I find it hard to see how anyone could possibly think that Andy wasted his life. He was a kind, decent, generous, funny person, who was loved by a lot of people, and did a lot of good.

Saying "X's life was wasted" is, I think, just needlessly hurtful, unless you specify which you mean. I take it from the rest of your comment that you meant "Bush and Cheney threw Andy's life away for no good reason", or something like that. But it's easy to read it as "Andy wasted his life", which is not only false, but deeply hurtful to those of us who cared about him.

[Fiona]

Beautiful. Thank-you for sharing.

[javelina]

I couldn't get here yesterday. But Hil, I have been thinking of you, and remembering Andy. Don't know what I can say that others haven't already written more eloquently. Am very grateful to you for the tribute.

[bedtimeforbonzo]

Thanks for the comments, russell.

Thanks, hilzoy: wonderfully apt poem.

[Heart]

Thank you for alerting us to the upcoming book. Please let us all know when it is published and available so that we can buy it.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one in this conflict.

[hilzoy]

btfb: it was one of Andy's favorites.

[OCSteve]

I’ve been trying to think of something substantial to say for 2 days now and it’s just not coming. I’ll have to leave it at thanks for the post and I look forward to the book.

[CaseyL]

Andy's been in my thoughts quite a lot over the past year - mostly wondering what he would have made of various events, etc., and wishing like mad he could express his thoughts to share and talk about with us. I still miss him, a lot.

I look forward to reading his book.

[Batocchio]

Thanks, Hilzoy. A sad anniversary.