by Eric Martin
Alright people, roll up your sleeves, we've got some work to do. The Eds was nice enough to put together a to-do list that we can use for starters:
Agenda for the 1st Hundred Days:
1. Sharia.
2. Communism.
3. Compulsory gay marriage for all preschoolers.
4. Surrender to Aztlan.
5. Abortion legal until 12 years after conception.
6. NASCAR banned, replaced by all-male ballet.
7. Official language of the USA: Ebonics.
8. Christmas banned.
9. ‘Red Dawn’ banned.
10. Box turtles.
That should do it.
We'll also need to identify two large groups of Americans: those counter-revolutionaries that will be part of the 25 million to be "permanently retired," and those millions more that merely need an extended stay in the new Yes We Can Re-education Camps of Change. Feel free to leave suggestions and potential candidates for either grouping in the comments.
After all, Obama's Black Panther Civilian Security Force is going to need all the help they can get!
Awesome. Now if someone can point me to the nearest burka store so I can my wife can be appropriately attired that would be great, thanks.
Posted by: Ugh | November 05, 2008 at 12:33 PM
Ugh,
The fact that you don't know already is a troubling indicator of insufficient patriotism. We'll have to keep a closer eye on you.
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 05, 2008 at 12:48 PM
Speaking of work, I'm thinking it would be great to redirect all the volunteer energy from the campaign into volunteer work to realize the promises of the campaign. Not sure exactly what that would entail. This is partly me feeling bad about not having done enough volunteering during the campaign, and thinking there's got to be something going on (or starting up) now that we're actually in power.
Posted by: The Modesto Kid | November 05, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Um, box turtles?
Hysterical otherwise.
Posted by: Fraser | November 05, 2008 at 01:00 PM
Modesto Kid -- I have been thinking the same thing for a while. Last night I watched msnbc.com TV for a while online (I don't otherwise have TV in the house). The talking heads were talking about just this, reminiscing about the start-up of the Peace Corps. Doris Kearns Goodwin said that thousands of people wrote in to sign up for the Peace Corps after JFK mentioned it and before it actually even existed.
I'm going to be very interested to see if Obama has a plan to harness all this energy and enthusiasm for something beyond the campaign. I guess it would surprise me if he didn't......
Posted by: JanieM | November 05, 2008 at 01:19 PM
You know what else is awesome?
Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.
That, my friends, is change we can believe in.
Posted by: Ugh | November 05, 2008 at 01:19 PM
Fraser,
This will explain the box turtle reference:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=box%20turtle
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 05, 2008 at 01:23 PM
@The Modesto Kid
Out of curiosity, I logged in to My.BarackObama today to see if anyone has any events up of any sort, either political or charitable in the Boston area, and saw none that aren't clearly calendar errors or test posts. It would be good to keep the volunteer energy going, and it will be interesting to see how that works with at least one of the key coordinating tools belonging to a political campaign.
@Fraser
Box turtles is a reference to the infamous prepared remarks for a speech by Texas's US senator John Cornyn, in debating an effort to impede same-sex marriage, in which he compared same-sex marriage to intimacy with a box turtle. He did not actually use those lines when he delivered his speech. The reference is fairly well known among people who relied on the internets for comfort amidst the bleak politics of the early Bush Administration, i.e. before 2006.
Posted by: Warren Terra | November 05, 2008 at 01:35 PM
(2nd attempt at a post, because of filter issues, with an obvious Google hyperlink removed):
@The Modesto Kid
Out of curiosity, I logged in to MyBarackObama today to see if anyone has any events up of any sort, either political or charitable in the Boston area, and saw none that aren't clearly calendar errors or test posts. It would be good to keep the volunteer energy going, and it will be interesting to see how that works with at least one of the key coordinating tools belonging to a political campaign.
@Fraser
"Box turtles" is a reference to the infamous prepared remarks for a speech by Texas's US senator John Cornyn, in debating an effort to impede same-gender marriage, in which he compared such marriage to intimacy with a box turtle. Cornyn did not actually use those lines when he delivered his speech. The reference is fairly well known among people who relied on the internets for comfort amidst the bleak politics of the early Bush Administration, i.e. before 2006.
Posted by: Warren Terra | November 05, 2008 at 01:37 PM
What, no buttsecks? I was promised buttsecks dammit!
Posted by: togolosh | November 05, 2008 at 02:04 PM
Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.
Have a little faith Ugh!
I'm certain that it will all be donated to charity. I expect Palin to announce which charity shortly.
Posted by: MeDrewNotYou | November 05, 2008 at 02:13 PM
A 100% income tax on anyone registered Republican.
Posted by: Mike Schilling | November 05, 2008 at 02:29 PM
Mike Schilling is going to rise through The Party ranks swiftly. Bright future my good man, bright future.
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 05, 2008 at 02:47 PM
Comrade Ugh will need to report to his nearest Patrice Lumumba Re-education Centre for the Defense of the Revolution immediately.
Comrade Fraser is assigned the reading of Volumes 3-4 of Kropotkinev's History of Chairman Obama's Long March Through the Provinces 2006-2008, since he has clearly failed to absorb this central text of the Revolution. Comrade Fraser will submit himself to Comrade Terra for examination of his understanding of the principles of socialist dialectic in two weeks.
Comrade Togolosh is reminded that not all fruits of the Revolution will be immediately available in the socialist regime, as the struggle against wreckerism and counter-revolutionary activity will be long and difficult, as Chairman Obama told us last night.
Comrade Modesto Kid has been assigned by the Central Committee to the Central Secretariat of the Modesto Pioneers. Comrade Schilling has been re-assigned to the Institute of Advanced Revolutionary Studies Research Group at the Interior Ministry. Many congratulations to Comrade Kid and Comrade Schilling, and may their revolutionary zeal encourage us all in the fight against the revolution's enemies!
Posted by: burritoboy | November 05, 2008 at 03:17 PM
re #5: the deadline for abortion should be extended indefinitely. retroactive abortion for dittoheads of any age would go far to improving life on the planet.
Posted by: chrome agnomen | November 05, 2008 at 03:36 PM
burritoboy is better than Julie on the Love Boat.
Chrome Agnomen might have found a job as well.
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 05, 2008 at 03:50 PM
I shall dedicate my personal zeal to selflessly evaluating the candidates for #6's Red Detachment of Men Who Look Really Good in Tights. Only individuals of the required firmness of ... purpose! purpose, that's what we call it! can be allowed to represent The People, after all.
Posted by: Comrade Doctor Science | November 05, 2008 at 03:52 PM
togolosh:
The buttsechs will be a surprise.
Posted by: FhnuZoag | November 05, 2008 at 04:04 PM
Rahm Emanuel has accepted the Chief of Staff position.
Trivia: Rahm is a trained ballet dancer, and was also the inspiration for the character of Josh Lyman on West Wing.
Posted by: Andrew | November 05, 2008 at 04:20 PM
Trivia: Rahm is a trained ballet dancer
NASCAR is toast.
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 05, 2008 at 04:27 PM
As you were. His Rahm's staff just issued a statement saying he has not accepted, and the news outlets reporting retracted the story.
Ah, well. Would have been nice to wave goodbye to NASCAR.
Posted by: Andrew | November 05, 2008 at 04:32 PM
I'd rather wave goodbye to Rahm Emanuel than NASCAR.
Posted by: Nell | November 05, 2008 at 05:56 PM
I loved the Obama quote from Ugh's link to Newsweek. Obama was discussing how he would respond to a hypothetical Brian Williams question about what he has personally done to avert global warming:
Having watched all the asinise debates I can only say this: Tell it Barack!
Posted by: Meditative_Zebra | November 05, 2008 at 07:05 PM
And by Barack I of course meant Comrade Barack.
Posted by: Meditative_Zebra | November 05, 2008 at 07:06 PM
Say, Eric, are we going to get together in NYC to celebrate?
Posted by: ral | November 05, 2008 at 07:17 PM
Typical. He gets into office, and forgets all about his promised arugula subsidies.
Posted by: Anthony Damiani | November 05, 2008 at 07:34 PM
yeah ral, I'm just waiting for my hangover to wear off before I start planning the assembly of the next one.
What days work for you, or any other ObWinger that wants to meet up in NYC and clink glasses to this most glorious of developments?
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 05, 2008 at 09:29 PM
Comrade Martin,
Your comparison of my feeble efforts to aid the Revolution to the storied and heroic deeds of shock worker and organizer of the International Socialist Cruise Directors Workers Union Julie McCoy honors me far too much.
I would be remiss in my duties if I did not mention to all that Assistant PartySec Axelrod himself will be awarding the Che Guevara Hero Medal posthumously to our fallen comrade and intellectual worker Studs Terkel at People's Park tonight. People's Artists the SF Gay Men's Chorus and KRS-One will help PartySec Axelrod and the assembled workers memorialize Terkel's mighty efforts on behalf of our Revolution. It is even rumored that Vice-Chairman Biden may appear! (who knows, Comrades FhnuZoag and Togolosh may even obtain the buttsecs they've been hoping for. "From each his abilities, and to each buttsecs if they want buttsecs - not that you have to want buttsecs - but if you want you might get" as Chairman Obama's Little Orange Book so wisely has it.
Posted by: burritoboy | November 05, 2008 at 09:35 PM
Comrade Martin, you have neglected the Russian initiative (all children under five to be taught Russian and compelled to learn the works of Lenin). Also, you fail to mention our cognitive therapy for Joe the Plumber - which will be led by The Rahm. Joe's first performance will be an interpretative dance, expressing his joy at being liberated from God, guns and Sarah Palin. Finally, what of Project Independence - our ditch around Alaska to keep the Valley Trash out of real America? Please correct your guide to our initiatives immediately!
Posted by: sizaraindenklewit | November 05, 2008 at 10:05 PM
I've gotta agree with Fraser's confusion. That's just not funny.
Box turtles?
10th???
C'mon, comrades, I don't believe this. Every list I've ever seen of things to do as soon as a Democrat got elected put box turtles first.
Um. When I speak of "doing" them, I of course mean within the sanctity of a polygamous same-sex Muslim marriage.
Posted by: Nombrilisme Vide | November 05, 2008 at 10:17 PM
Eric,
Tomorrow (Thursday) or Friday would be best; I leave on Tuesday night. See you soon I hope.
Posted by: ral | November 05, 2008 at 10:19 PM
As the parent of two (now former) teenagers, I would move to amend item 5, extending the age up to that of legal majority.
Most parents would understand and sympathize.
Posted by: Wendell | November 05, 2008 at 11:17 PM
Let's make those damn Gideons put a copy of "Dreams From My Father" in hotel rooms instead of that stinky old bible.
Print up a special edition with both English and Arabic versions, just to be thorough.
Posted by: MoeLarryAndJesus | November 05, 2008 at 11:45 PM
Comrades, this is unacceptable! Where is the capitulation to defeatist European values? Not even at number 10. I demand that compulsory Spanish lessons and the prohibition of all but French cheeses begins immediately!
Posted by: Euroweeny Dhimmified Magistra | November 06, 2008 at 04:44 AM
Excuse me. Other countries in Europe also produce some quite excellent cheeses.
I have no idea why the US can't.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | November 06, 2008 at 04:50 AM
Yes, but Jes, we're not going to force red-blooded Americans to eat French "cheese" because it tastes good. Any honest person will admit it, like all foreign* cheese, is a vile-tasting abomination compared to the One True Cheese, pure processed American cheese product. We're making them eat it because it's a necessary step in turning them into dhimmified cheese-eating surrender monkeys!
Get with the program! Page 237, section 5d!
*Foreign meaning non-American, of course, because in the deepest reaches of the black pits where our hearts should be, we're forced to admit that the only honest people are jus'folks, salt-of-the-earth Americans, the kind you'd like to have a beer with.
Posted by: Nombrilisme Vide | November 06, 2008 at 09:32 AM
Nom, I point you at page 453, section 1a, subtitle "The Corrupting Effects of Pure Pleasure". You'll find that oak-smoked Arran cheddar, Geitost, and Oude Postel, are all listed there, along with Belgian chocolate, German beer, and English thick-cut chips. All means of subverting the conservative mindset to our will, bwa-ha-ha-ha.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | November 06, 2008 at 09:48 AM
Yes, cheese and other European oddities (cars so small that I can lift them up with one arm) will be the nourishment of Teh Changevolution.
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 06, 2008 at 10:03 AM
I have no idea why the US can't
Huh? There are many excellent cheeses made in different areas of the US.
Posted by: The Modesto Kid | November 06, 2008 at 10:15 AM
Vermont cheddar can be excellent.
Hey, Eric, any news?
Posted by: ral | November 06, 2008 at 10:18 AM
Second the Vermont cheddar praise.
Ral: See my post on the date/time/location and let me know if that works.
Posted by: Eric Martin | November 06, 2008 at 10:56 AM
True, Jes, as far as it goes... but you forget sections 3h-m of that selfsame directive which in short stipulate that such luxuries shall be reserved for moneyed, almost-but-not-quite overeducated Americans who are deemed sufficiently elite to corrupt and turn into cadres.
The despised masses of blue-collar Lumpenproles will of course be forced to subsist on cut-rate Emmental and Gruyère, with Brie and Camembert rations for Eid (both), MLK Day, and Dear Leader's birthday.
Posted by: Nombrilisme Vide | November 06, 2008 at 11:39 AM
As the parent of two (now former) teenagers, I would move to amend item 5, extending the age up to that of legal majority.
Not to mention that it would give a whole new meaning to the 'No child left behind' initiative
Posted by: 243 | November 06, 2008 at 12:11 PM
I have no idea why the US can't.
But of course, we do.
US farmers produce many perfectly crafted artisanal cheeses, using milk from goats, sheep, and cows who are not only hormone-free and free-range, but who are serenaded by string quartets as they graze.
Rumor is that Brahms and Vivaldi are best for milder cheeses, while the late Beethoven quartets are best for stronger, more robust varieties.
Unfortunately for you, these can only be purchased here in the States, at community farmer's markets, and then only if you bring your own bag. A canvas bag, of course, if you bring a plastic bag it will be no cheese for you.
Since this kind of local, small batch, by-hand food production tends to be more expensive, Obama will be introducing a refundable cheese tax credit. It will be funded by the seizure and forced sale of Rolex watches.
To help make sure that enough cheese is available to meet demand, Obama will also call for farming apprenticeships to be established as a re-training and re-education program for out-of-work hedge fund managers.
Thanks -
Posted by: russell | November 06, 2008 at 02:52 PM
Russel, that explains it. I've only once been to an organic farmers' market in the US. It was so organic, even the stalls were made of handcrafted fairtrade gingerbread. As were several of the stallholders.
It was in Boston. There was no cheese.
...there was raspberry bread.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | November 06, 2008 at 04:57 PM
"10. Box turtles."
"I like turtles." — Berkeley Breathed
Posted by: Pyre | November 07, 2008 at 12:43 AM