by hilzoy
Andrew Sullivan linked to a blog devoted to cakes gone wrong. It's hysterical. There are more horribly misfiring cakes than I could have imagined. Some are the result of an inadequate grasp of the use/mention distinction:
Some from an apparently total lack of aesthetics:
Some are just plain inexplicable:
And some just make you wonder how anyone thought that a cake like that could possibly be eaten without shuddering:
Still, that beats this baby shower cake:
However, the best of all is one I'm just going to link to. The place that sells them claims that they are supposed to be watermelons. You must click this link, and its even stranger sibling, which the Cake Wrecks proprietor has entitled: Gee, Kermit, I think I'd get that looked at... You may never be able to look at a watermelon with a straight face again.
Enjoy!
Wow. Just . . . wow.
Posted by: JakeB | August 20, 2008 at 10:34 PM
Oh, and I'll never use the word "Babycakes" again, I think.
Posted by: JakeB | August 20, 2008 at 10:35 PM
"Write Welcome On It" and my favorites of its two demented cousins.
Posted by: xanax | August 20, 2008 at 10:41 PM
Those would go good with some ice chips to crunch on and a side of placenta.
Posted by: DaveC | August 20, 2008 at 11:24 PM
In college, and friend and I shared birthdays. One year, our cake, purchased by his sister and another friend of ours, had "Happy Birthday, Douchebags!" written across it in very pretty red cursive.
(I hope that doesn't break the posting guidelines, as it's not exactly profanity).
Posted by: kris | August 21, 2008 at 01:25 AM
I actually kinda like the tie-dyed one. But, yeah, the vagina-cakes after the links are pretty horrible.
Posted by: Geoduck | August 21, 2008 at 03:31 AM
This one is my favorite Cake Wreck.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | August 21, 2008 at 03:45 AM
The tie-died cake would be perfect for a 60's party. "Oh, wow, man, look at the colors on that one..."
Posted by: RepubAnon | August 21, 2008 at 09:06 AM
How horrified would you be if it was your baby shower and received that cake?
Posted by: bedtimeforbonzo | August 21, 2008 at 09:24 AM
here's another bad cake, from a different site.
Posted by: cleek | August 21, 2008 at 09:29 AM
bedtime: I kept staring at that one (assuming you mean the baby, not "Push, Olivia, Push!"), and thinking: how could anyone have imagined that it would be possible to cut slices of that cake? To eat its tiny wrinkly toes, or one of its little eyes? It was just mindboggling to me that anyone would have made it. And if I were the mother-to-be, I think I would have fainted, or run screaming from the room, or something.
And Jes: yeah, that was a great one. Choosing which to post was really, really hard -- I had this huge window with a gazillion tabs open, each with its own horrific cake, and I could hardly bare to prune it back to a mere five.
Posted by: hilzoy | August 21, 2008 at 09:39 AM
In college we decided it would be great to have a cake in the shape of a butt with "[dorm name redacted] Kicks Ass!" written on it. I think the conversation on ordering it went something like:
Us: Hi, we'd like a butt-cake.
Cake place: A what?
U: A butt-cake.
CP: Huh?
U: A cake in the shape of a butt.
CP: Oh! Hah! That's awesome, we can do that. Do you want a turd coming out of it?
U: Uh, no just the butt-cake, thanks.
Posted by: Ugh | August 21, 2008 at 10:10 AM
"To eat its tiny wrinkly toes, or one of its little eyes?"
And to think, I've felt guilty before eating one of those perfect-looking flowers or what-have-you on birthday cakes I've received.
BTW, it's hard to beat an ice cream cake. Mmm.
Posted by: bedtimeforbonzo | August 21, 2008 at 10:21 AM
On rereading my last comment: I do, in fact, know the difference between 'bear' and 'bare'. Honest. (*kicks self*)
Posted by: hilzoy | August 21, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Oh, and I'll never use the word "Babycakes" again, I think...
Agreed.
Henceforth I shall abstain from referring to my girlfriend as "babycakes." I'm thinking of trying out "vagina cakes." I think she'll appreciate it.
Posted by: Eric Martin | August 21, 2008 at 10:33 AM
Henceforth I shall abstain from referring to my girlfriend as "babycakes." I'm thinking of trying out "vagina cakes." I think she'll appreciate it.
To which ICU would you like Obsidian Wings to direct flowers and notes of sympathy?
Posted by: Jesurgislac | August 21, 2008 at 10:37 AM
Jes,
If you only knew how right you were ;)
Posted by: Eric Martin | August 21, 2008 at 12:04 PM
Eric, I feel slightly bad about making a domestic violence joke, actually.
The proper course for a woman on being addressed as "vagina cakes" is not to beat her erring partner up, but to divorce him. The court would be sure to award most of the community property to her on mental cruelty grounds. Especially if she showed the judge the photographs of the watermelon vagina cakes. ;-)
Posted by: Jesurgislac | August 21, 2008 at 12:12 PM
I'm thinking of trying out "vagina cakes." I think she'll appreciate it.
"vagina cakes" is a little clunky. there are euphemisms which will make for a much more euphonious, though no less dangerous, term of affection.
Posted by: cleek | August 21, 2008 at 12:18 PM
I think the word you're thinking of is actually a dysphemism, cleek.
That "Olympic Rings" one is almost beautiful, like some kind of Dada prank.
Posted by: Phil | August 21, 2008 at 12:30 PM
I think the word you're thinking of is actually a dysphemism, cleek.
heh. yeah, i suppose the obvious alliterative word would be a dysphemism. but, not all of the slang names are offensive (in my experience, anyhoohoo).
Posted by: cleek | August 21, 2008 at 12:47 PM
The proper course for a woman on being addressed as "vagina cakes" is not to beat her erring partner up, but to divorce him
Well, I'll have to marry her before she can divorce me.
Now I'm thinking it was rash to have her new nickname engraved on the ring...
Posted by: Eric Martin | August 21, 2008 at 01:49 PM
"vagina cakes" is a little clunky. there are euphemisms which will make for a much more euphonious, though no less dangerous, term of affection.
The not-as-alliterative, but much less dangerous phrase might be "[kitty] cakes", where "[kitty]" is a totally innoculous word in England (not sure about the rest of GB).
When Robin Williams was on "Inside The Actors' Studio" he said his favorite word was "[kitty]" and his least favorite was what John McCain called Cindy. I liked that.
Posted by: Jeff | August 21, 2008 at 01:56 PM
"vagina cakes" is a little clunky. there are euphemisms which will make for a much more euphonious, though no less dangerous, term of affection.
The not-as-alliterative, but much less dangerous phrase might be "[kitty] cakes", where "[kitty]" is a totally innoculous word in England (not sure about the rest of GB).
When Robin Williams was on "Inside The Actors' Studio" he said his favorite word was "[kitty]" and his least favorite was what John McCain called Cindy. I liked that.
Posted by: Jeff | August 21, 2008 at 01:56 PM
Why btw do both Germans and English-speaking people* commonly use (a) feline word(s) for a certain part of the female anatomy?
*Don't know about other languages
Posted by: Hartmut | August 21, 2008 at 02:09 PM
"in my experience, anyhoohoo"
In my experience, mileage varies a lot.
"Why btw do both Germans and English-speaking people* commonly use (a) feline word(s) for a certain part of the female anatomy?"
Yeah, why not "I love your little watermelon"?
Don't answer that.
But seedless really is better in some circumstances.
Posted by: Gary Farber | August 21, 2008 at 02:39 PM
Thanks, all, for a tears-of-laughter interlude. I see, with some relief, that no one's tried to top Gary's 'seedless' gambit.
Posted by: Nell | August 21, 2008 at 05:54 PM
No, but I did burst out laughing at the seedless bit.
Posted by: Eric Martin | August 22, 2008 at 10:19 AM
u r all disturbed people without lives
Posted by: christina | October 28, 2008 at 08:28 PM
Thank God Christina didn't find the phobias thread. She'd have had a whale of a time...
Posted by: Jesurgislac | October 28, 2008 at 08:43 PM