Birth Pangs

by hilzoy

NPR (audio file), via Hullabaloo (whose transcript I am using):

"This is how staggeringly pointless the killing in Iraq is getting: shepherds in the rural western Baghdad neighborhood of Gazalea have recently been murdered, according to locals, for failing to diaper their goats. Apparently the sexual tension is so high in regions where Sheikhs take a draconian view of Shariah law, that they feel the sight of naked goats poses an unacceptable temptation. They blame the goats.

I’ve spent nearly a year here, on more than a dozen visits since the early days of the war, and that seemed about as preposterous as Iraq could get until I heard about the grocery store in east Baghdad. The grocer and three others were shot to death and the store was firebombed because he suggestively arranged his vegetables.

I didn’t believe it at first. Firebombings of liquor stores are common, and I figured there must’ve been one next door. But an Iraqi colleague explained matter-of-factly that Shiite clerics had recently distributed a flyer directing groceries how to display their food.

Standing up a celery stalk near a couple of tomatoes in a way that might – to the profoundly repressed – suggest an aroused male, is now a capital offense."

I once saw a vegetable that was unquestionably sexually suggestive, back when I was peeling vegetables all day long on kibbutz. It was a carrot that had three roots: two big ones pointing down, and a much smaller one one that started at the point where the two big ones branched off, right between the two, and pointed rakishly upwards. It was very silly, and all of us bored vegetable peelers giggled about it, but I think I can safely say that it did not encourage lustful thoughts in any of us.

I just hope no one shows the people responsible for these campaigns any of Georgia O'Keeffe's paintings of flowers. Eradicating all the flowers in Iraq would be an ecological catastrophe, although it would be a better use of people's time than killing grocers and shepherds.

Comments

[Jay C]

Hilzoy: actually, to the sort of profoundly repressed idiots like those mentioned in you post, Georgia O'Keeffe's "florals" would probably go unnoticed, as these assclowns have most likely had zero experience with their -umm - real-life "models"!

[Ugh]

Well this is a perfectly good example of freedom on the march. Could Iraqis blow up grocery stores for sexually suggestive vegetables before the U.S. invasion? Of course not, Saddam's tyrannical regime would never have allowed such expressions of unadulterated freedom.

And how do you think the goat diaper industry was faring under Saddam, huh? Profits after the U.S. invasion are up 12,000% and franchises are popping up all over Iraq. But does the MSM report this success in the U.S.? Nooooooo, its all about dead shepards and other overwrought reporting on how bad things are? I mean, come on, 1,800 bodies in the Baghdad morgue last month pales in comparison to the goat diaper success story, but you wouldn't know from reading the New York Times (the traitors).

I mean, which would you rather have, chaos and mass deaths in Iraq blamed on the United States, or calm and mass deaths in Iraq blamed on Saddam? I mean, if we can't take credit for the success story that is Iraq today, then the terrorists have won.

[Slartibartfast]

but I think I can safely say that it did not encourage lustful thoughts in any of us

Never underestimate the evil potential the sight of an aroused carrot represents.

[Ugh]

Freedom is on the march even in the United States, where you're now free to be randomly searched in the NY Subway without your rights being violated.

[cleek]

are there diapers for other kinds of animals: cows, sheep, chickens, fish, giant clams ?

thanks goodness those honorable Republicans gave Iraqis the freedom to be killed for not dressing their goats.

[dagnabit dang doohickey]

This makes the taking of a pro-active role in the spreading of democracy seem so foolhardy, as chasing a cloud off a cliff.

God's Law trumps Man's Law, not personally, but in what I perceive around me, and Insanity trumps Reason(in this I have a firmer grasp.) When this cocktail is shaken(resisting...resisting...) or stirred, there may be no amount of democratic yellow lines on the road to guide the imbibed away from violent head-on collisions.

[togolosh]

I'm having a little trouble believing the goat diaper story. I really, really hope this is a hoax.

[Jimbo]

I'll bet that rascal Putin wishes he'd kept his wise mouth shut now.

[Catsy]

Could Iraqis blow up grocery stores for sexually suggestive vegetables before the U.S. invasion? Of course not, Saddam's tyrannical regime would never have allowed such expressions of unadulterated freedom.

Ugh is channeling either Thullen or Colbert here. I'm not sure which, but I like it anyway.

[John Thullen]

When the world itself goes utterly gonzo/dada, it preempts the riff.

If Ugh keeps this up, we'll need a bigger oubliette.

[John Thullen]

Still, that's the last time I fondle my turnip on the New York City subway.

Do the old goats get to wear Depends?

[cleek]

Oubliette, gentille Oubliette
Oubliette je te plumerai
Oubliette, gentille Oubliette
Oubliette je te plumerai
Je te plumerai la tête
Je te plumerai la tête
Et la tête, et la tête
Oubliette, Oubliette
O-o-o-o-oh
Oubliette, Oubliette
Oubliette je te plumerai

[Anderson]

are there diapers for other kinds of animals: cows, sheep, chickens, fish, giant clams ?

Those animals just don't have the raw sexual charisma of goats.

Cows, in particular, just leave one feeling very inferior.

[Doctor Science]

There was a post on dailykos maybe a month back about how "their reality has lapped my satire." If this is true (and I really, really hope it isn't), reality has lapped satire *twice*.

[cleek]

the raw sexual charisma of goats

i wish i had more opportunities to use that phrase.

[Anderson]

i wish i had more opportunities to use that phrase.

I would have to advise against that, myself.

[Francis]

cleek, for those who don't speak french, posted a poem about plucking a toilet [alternatively, dungeon].

no, it didn't make sense to me either.

[the original is a song about preparing a lark for dinner.]

[John Thullen]

I read recently that they've banned fois gras in Chicago. The geese were initially ecstatic about this until they found out the rule doesn't apply to the rest of their physical beings and that they would henceforth be required to dress like 14-year old Catholic schoolgirls.

I executed a fig once in the fresh produce section for quoting Rupert Birkin from D.H. Lawrence's "Women in Love" to my outraged wife.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go rearrange the bok choy, which from the suspicious silence in the kitchen, is getting in touch with its inner keilbasa.

[hilzoy]

Francis -- does 'oubliette' have 'toilet' as an alternate meaning/ When I started the oubliette thing, I meant it in the 'small windowless dungeon' sense.

Which would make cleek's song the sort of thing Edmond Dantes might sing to amuse himself.

[rilkefan]

Julia C. Sings

Nobody can stand cauliflower;
And artichokes couldn't be worse.
Spinach and lettuce just cower,
Tomatoes are life's greatest curse

   Oh, a carrot won't kiss or caress you,
   Won't tease you or brush back your hair;
   But a carrot won't bore or depress you.
   You won't care that it doesn't care.

Asparagus will do if you can feel it,
A slim, smooth zucchini's all right;
Broccoli's fine once you peel it,
But it won't keep you moaning all night.

   So a carrot won't kiss or caress you,
   Won't compliment you or say please;
   But a carrot won't brag to impress you,
   Won't fail you or give you disease.

Since I was a girl I've adored them,
I have one whenever I can.
And don't worry - you can afford one;
Just run out and trade in your man.

   No, a carrot won't nibble your earlobes,
   But its own needs won't spoil your fun.
   Won't say you're fat or give you microbes,
   And it's good to eat when you're done.

[John Thullen]

Time to hide the carrots.

Welcome back, Rilkefan.

Have a great weekend, all!

[Ugh]

I once tried to comment in the Thullen style over at QandO; it required outpatient surgery.

[jaywalker]

In Vienna, the Fiaker horses are equipped with poohbags that collect the horse dung (niecely called Pferdeäpfel horse apples in German). If you look closely at the second picture, you see the brown bag behind the horse.

I do not believe the goat story as most religions do not hold animals accountable for sin, see nakedness in paradise.

And for those French lessons, alouette means lark while oubliette are dungeons. As I am not a French native speaker, I cannot answer whether there is a second meaning to oubliette. I only know that s'oublier is used when a child soils itself. Gentille alouette is a children ditty everyone can sing along.

And please, horrible as the practice is, it's foie not fois which means "times" in the sense of multiplication (2x2=4). Or at the beginning of fairy tales: Il était une fois ...

[JakeB]

It's been a long time since I looked at the nether end of a nanny goat, but IIRC, the "problem" is that they, like ewes, are thought to resemble human genitalia unacceptably closely.

Doesn't it seem sometimes like if that whole region just had one big circle jerk, that things might improve greatly?

(sorry if the imagery offends!)

[cleek]

I cannot answer whether there is a second meaning to oubliette

i will happily admit that i paid no attention at all to the meanings of any of the words in that song when i posted it. i just found the lyrics and did a s/alouette/oubliette. so, don't bother trying to find any second meanings on my account...

[Francis]

i double-checked a couple on-line French-English translators. yes, I'm sure.

Most people now say "toilette"; "oubliette" would be like using "water closet" in the US these days.

[the nursery rhyme is pretty sadistic -- oh sweet lark, i pluck you. I pluck your head / neck / wings etc. ]

[Ugh]

Doesn't it seem sometimes like if that whole region just had one big circle jerk, that things might improve greatly?

Maybe a giant air conditioner? Or a "timeout"? Cold shower? Revocation of their allowance? Mouth washed out with soap? AA meetings? Counseling? Ritalin?

[Ugh]

And note that Death herself has a diary at Dailykos.

[Anderson]

Maybe a giant air conditioner? Or a "timeout"? Cold shower? Revocation of their allowance? Mouth washed out with soap? AA meetings? Counseling? Ritalin?

All of the above, then the circle jerk, then the goats.

World peace, I'm tellin ya ...

[Ugh]

The Bush Administration: Making Iraq Smile One Goat at a Time

[jaywalker]

Actually, it is usually used in the plural: Où sont les toilettes, svp?

Interestingly, faire sa toilette still means to clean one's body. So, it is the equivalent of powdering the nose, going to the bathroom or restroom. Samuel Johnson defines toilet as a dressing table. Une toilette élégante, however, is a fancy dress ...

JakeB, thanks to google, I learned a new word and practice. I am quite as shocked as the Mississippi ladies first exposed to the statue of David by Michelangelo.

[hilzoy]

hmm. The last time I was in France, which was a while back, it was just WC, and 'toilette' was thought to be quaint. Plus ça change...

[Gary Farber]

"Samuel Johnson defines toilet as a dressing table."

Yeah, but how does Samuel Jackson mother-effing define it?

[JakeB]

jaywalker--

My apologies if you feel you need a brainscrub.

[hilzoy]

Heh. Back when I was a tiny little hilzoy, there was a painting at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts, to which I was often dragged, called 'A Lady At Her Toilet', showing a lady sitting at a mirror, combing her hair. It occasioned lots of laughter at the time. Sort of like the carrot, come to think of it.

This Daily Show clip (Aasif Mandvi) is hysterical, by the way.

[JP]

I assume the missing "Consider this an open thread" was merely an oversight.

[jaywalker]

JakeB, my favourite Indiana Jones quote applies: Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist. I file this as a native practice hard to observe in the wild.

[Anderson]

I assume the missing "Consider this an open thread" was merely an oversight.

Not at all. If it's not about bestiality, vegetable masturbation, or going potty in France, then take it elsewhere, Jack. We have standards here.

[JakeB]

Jaywalker--
Well, I had always assumed it was one of those things you hear about but maybe never actually happens until a friend casually mentioned that he had participated in them while in the Navy. But I avoided finding out other details from him.

[Francis]

JakeB: the "it" and "them" in your 6:35 post could use a referent, please.

[morinao]

This Daily Show clip (Aasif Mandvi) is hysterical, by the way.

The funniest part was how uncomfortable those last two jokes made the studio audience. Shades of Colbert at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Can't wait to see more of this guy.

[hilzoy]

I deleted a comment left on this thread and banned the author. I normally don't delete even ban-worthy comments, but this one managed to combine sheer offensiveness with unbelievable length in a way that made it seem like a good idea to depart from normal practice. If anyone has a problem with this, just say so; it was a quick judgment call.

[Ugh]

No problem at all hilzoy, I asked on the "belief" thread and rilkefan asked on another thread.

[cleek]

i'm sorry i missed it.

[chooch]

See it here