It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

by Charles

The 2006 winner of worst opening sentence goes to Jim Guigli, who penned this little gem:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Kind of takes your breath away.  Sort of on the same topic, my teenage son pointed me to a fact sheet on Chuck Norris, which proved quite informative.  Here are some of the facts about Chuck Norris that I learned:

• Guns don't kill people.  Chuck Norris kills people.
• There is no theory of evolution.  Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• The leading causes of death in the United States are:  1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Such is the humor of 15-year old males.

Comments

[Toadmonster]

Well, I can honestly say that that Chuck Norris stuff is just as whaaacky and hilarious as it was a few months ago. But yeah, such is the humor of 15-year-olds.

[Gary Farber]

"Kind of takes your breath away."

Not if you've ever read slush.

[Ugh]

Assuming this is an open thread, and if not then "OT", Kill 'em all and let God sort them out gets front paged at Redstate.

Also, somehow the formatting on the ObWi front page got screwed up after Charles' post (at least on my browser).

[cleek]

Kill 'em all and let God sort them out gets front paged at Redstate.

no time for that! people are saying unkind things about Joe Lieberman!

[cleek]

from RedState: This is the picture of total war. It is the smell of napalm in the morning. It is the definition of victory.

It's the sound of one hand typing.

[rilkefan]

One I especially liked ran something like: "Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried."

[Slartibartfast]

Anybody else completely lost the right-hand sidebar here at OW?

Note: I'm not saying OW because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me.

[Sebastian Holsclaw]

I tried fiddling with the code but I couldn't figure out what in Charles' post killed the sidebar.

Is there a universal html close tag I can put at the end of his post or would that just make things worse even if it existed?

[John Thullen]

"Such is the humor of 15-year-old males."

Well, I should talk. But I am gratified to learn that Redstate is a project run by sophomores, where I first encountered the Norris list. Or was it Tacitus? Well, that general universe of personalities.

[cleek]

there's some goofy DIV / UL nesting in this post. on the "Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes." line, a little bit more strangeness on the last line.

if you take out that DIV and that /DIV on the final line, things will work again.

[cleek]

fix those DIVs! :)

[Sebastian Holsclaw]

I tried your suggestion, and I see the sidebar has made it to the bottom here. Hmmm.

[kenB]

Charles Bird's HTML sucks and is ruining this site.

[Sebastian Holsclaw]

A-Ha!

I think it is working now.

[cleek]

looks good now. there were even more extra /DIVs lurking at the bottom of the post. guess you found them.

[hilzoy]

Sebastian: you are God ;)

[Gromit]

Also, somehow the formatting on the ObWi front page got screwed up after Charles' post (at least on my browser).

Okay, can I say it? Bird Dog sucks and is ruining this site!

[Xanthippas]

That's not the worst...that's the best! Ever!

[kenB]

Gromit: Ha! Beat you by four minutes! 11:37 AM, baby! Read it and weep!

[Gromit]

Bah!

[Ugh]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

[cleek]

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

[JakeB]

I did like Chuck Norris in _Dodgeball_.

"Thank you, Chuck Norris."
"Thank *you*, Peter."

[Ugh]

I thought the best scene in Dodgeball was the one with Lance Armstrong in the airport bar.

[Dianne]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

But was it a real number infinity or only a natural number infinity.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Two sick, sick side jokes in that one...
1. Chuck has 6 testicles? All the more to remove.
2. Yes, but you should have seen the size of the one Lance Armstrong lost.

And I don't even have the excuse of being a 15 year old boy.

[cleek]

But was it a real number infinity or only a natural number infinity.

it was the imaginary numbers infinity - two dimensions!

[cleek]

oops... it was the complex numbers infinity - two dimensions!

[Gary Farber]

Crap, crap, crap.

I get bad news.

[Gary Farber]

I guess no one is reading this open thread. I've gotten no hits from it, and no one has commented.

[Gary Farber]

Clearly.

[Gary Farber]

Oh, well.

[Slartibartfast]

My sympathies, Gary. Sounds as if your landlord might be doing mass evictions.

It's become the thing to do in Florida to "renovate" old apartments and make the whole complex over into condominiums. Given the price of housing in Boulder, that might make sense.

[Jeff Eaton]

Gary, *ugh*. Just popped back into this thread and read the post. :/ I'm sorry.

[Gary Farber]

"It's become the thing to do in Florida to 'renovate' old apartments and make the whole complex over into condominiums."

I suppose it's conceivable, but you have to appreciate that these units (4 per floor, 3 floors, which makes 12/building, and 3 buildings) are all identically sized and identically tiny; they're one (smallish) room with a small bathroom; they have a bathroom-type sink/mirror corner, and a segment with a half-sized fridge covered with two burners (no oven). There's a closet.

Not really traditional condo material, although the top floors do have these nice two little skylights, and a fireplace. (Although since I didn't realize when I moved in that the advertised air-conditioning was non-existent, I also didn't realize that the skylights make the place a sweltering greenhouse in summer (and speaking of which, the weather reports now predict not just over 100 today, but over 102 for the next five days in a row, or so; sheesh), and also encourage waking up at 6 a.m. or so, not that there's anything wrong with the latter.

I'm inclined to think that the guy is just exercising power because he can. And because it's easier to get higher rent by rolling short-term students through. (I'm told that these buildings have been in his family since they were built, and have been fully paid off for decades, so it's just pure profit, beyond expenses, for him.)

Maybe there's something more to it; I suppose I should note that up on 29th St., they finally started tearing down the old, failed, mall, after years and years of debate and political disagreement over a new plan, and the new mall (now called, with great imagination, "29th Street") has been under construction for the past year, so it seems reasonable to assume that property values around here will be going up as more business starts going to the new mall next year (a Home Depot is already open).

Anyway, I'm not going to fully plan on having to move until I talk to the landlord, presumably on the 19th (if he doesn't dodge my calls, that is), but I'm figuring at this point that the odds that he'll not relent, and isn't just trying to put the fear of god into me, are about 80-20. Probably 90-10 or more, when I add up all the facts, including the upgrading windows and shelves, and so on.

If he does confirm that, count on me begging for donations, because I'm not going to have any alternative (not that I object to any now and before the 19th).

Of course, this sort of thing is exactly why I was unneverved by his refusing to give me a new lease for two years now, and why I wanted one.

But, anyway: sigh. (On the positive side, there could be endlessly worse news, and plenty of people on the planet have vastly greater worries and problems; I'm entirely well aware of that.)

[dutchmarbel]

Really sorry for you Gary. I hope the landlord will change his mind, but indeed if you even kicks out someone who has lived there for 30 years... pfffft.

Things are different here. But new housing is also very hard to find (crowded country). Is it hard to find something else in the same class? *IF* you have to move I mean?

[Phil]

I suppose it's conceivable, but you have to appreciate that these units (4 per floor, 3 floors, which makes 12/building, and 3 buildings) are all identically sized and identically tiny; they're one (smallish) room with a small bathroom; they have a bathroom-type sink/mirror corner, and a segment with a half-sized fridge covered with two burners (no oven). There's a closet.

Well, not that levity is necessarily what you need right now, but in Arlington, VA, you could probably sell each of those as "luxury condos" ("luxury" meaning "not on fire and inside the Beltway") for about $350,000 each. A friend's girlfriend rents an apartment not much bigger than that and pays nearly $1,000 a month.

[Gary Farber]

"Is it hard to find something else in the same class? *IF* you have to move I mean?"

There shouldn't be a shortage of other places, but I'm doubtful I'll find a place that has all the pluses this one does, of being centrally and conveniently located, close to major bus routes, near shopping, in good condition, let alone with two skylights and a fireplace, and a swimming pool (even if unheated and outdoor, and even with no air-conditioning), for $475/month.

And I'm pretty fussy at this point that if I have any choice at all, I don't want to have to put up with housemates; I'm just too cranky to want to have to deal with that again, if I can possibly avoid it, no matter how nice they might be, or how nice a shared house might be.

I dunno, maybe I'll luck out, and find a nice place; I'm trying to think positive. No matter the expense, the need to ask for help, the pain of moving, etc. As I said, there are endlessly worse problems I could have, and much of the world doesn't have it so good.

At least maybe this time I can get a stable lease.

I actually like Boulder quite a lot, but if I had a magic wand, or loads of money, I might seriously think about moving to a state with better laws, in various areas, as regards tenant rights, Medicaid, food stamps, etc., etc.

But it's not an option. Even with lots of donations I won't have the money to move that kind of distance, nor to travel and look for a place that's not just a bus ride away.

I'll post updates next week when I have more news. It's always faintly possible that the landlord will relent; I just think it's extremely unlikely. (And if he did, he'd probably still want to raise the rent, and not to mention that it would be hard to be comfortable staying here knowing he can pull this kind of... stuff.)

Too bad I can't immigrate to the Netherlands. :-)

[DaveC]

An old Cost of living index from somewhere:

Akron, OH 96.0
Albany, GA 91.5
Albany, NY 107.3
Albuquerque, NM 101.3
Alexandria, LA 92.0
Arlington, TX 91.2
Asheville, NC 100.5
Atlanta, GA 109.2
Augusta, GA 93.7
Austin, TX 105
Baltimore, MA 99.4
Baton Rouge, LA 97.3
Berkeley, CO., WV 90.6
Binghamton/Broome Co,NY 106.4
Birmingham, AL 96.2
Bismarck, ND 99.6
Bloomington, IL 102.5
Boise, ID 101.6
Boston, MA 240.4
Boulder, CO 111.7
Bristol, TN 91.2 <====
Bristol, VA 91.1
Bryan/College Station,TX 97.2
Buffalo, NY 99.3
Burlington, NC 92.9
Carbondale, IL* 96.3
Chapel Hill, NC 97.9
Charleston, SC 96.5
Charleston, WV 98.4
Charlotte, NC 100.6
Chattanooga, TN 93.3
Chicago, IL 164.9
Cincinnati, OH 100.7
Cleveland, OH 110.6
Cleveland, TN* 91.8
Columbia, MO 92.4 <====
Columbia, SC 92.7
Dallas, TX 97.7
Dayton, OH 100.9
Denver, CO 102.1
Detroit, MI 98
Durham, NC 97.9
El Paso, TX 96.2
Evansville, IN 93.2
Fayetteville, AR 94.2
Fayetteville, NC 96.0
Findlay, OH* 97.7
Fort Collins, CO 106
Fresno, CA 104.4
Georgetown, TX 96.1
Greensboro/High Pt., NC 97.9
Greenville, NC 94.9
Greenville, SC 98.7
Houston, TX 93
Huntsville, AL 93.8
Idaho Falls, ID* 98.3
Indianapolis, IN 95.1
Jacksonville FL 95.8
Jefferson, MO 92.7
Kansas City, MO 94.7
Knoxville, TN 91.8 <====
Lafayette, LA 95.1
Las Vegas, NV 100.5
Lexington, KY 80
Long Beach, CA 111.9
Los Angeles, CA 132.7
Louisville, KY 92.0 <====
Lubbock, TX 92.5
Madison, WI 104.7
Manhattan, KS* 97.5
Memphis, TN 92.6
Milwaukee, WI 104.5
Minneapolis , MN 106
Nashville, TN 95.0
Nevada, MO* 91.4
Newark, DE 102.8
Newark, NJ 124.3
New Orleans, LA 93.5
Newport News, VA 95.4
New York, NY 240.0
Oklahoma City, OK 92.6
Orlando, FL 97.7
Philadelphia, PA 124.5
Phoenix, AZ 100.8
Pittsburgh, PA 110.7
Portland, OR 107
Pullman, WA* 105.8
Raleigh, NC 98.2
Reno, NV 107.4
Richmond, VA 101.2
Rochester, NY 109.0
Sacramento, CA 110.7
Salem, OR 103.6
Salt Lake City, UT 106.3
San Antonio, TX 94.7
San Fran/Oakland,CA 151.4
San Jose, CA 139.7
Seattle, WA 112.6
Syracuse, NY 106.8
Toledo, OH 98.7
Tucson, AZ 97.9
Tampa, FL 95.8
Temple, TX 92.6
Washington, DC, MD, VA 120.3
Worcester County, MD* 105.
Youngstown, OH 96.0

Lexington, KY is 80 ?!? Must be a typo.

It's got a university. Probably not as pretty as Boulder, but something to think about.

Plus, you'ld look good in overalls, chewing on a piece of straw.

[Gary Farber]

"Plus, you'ld look good in overalls, chewing on a piece of straw."

Call me "Clem." It doesn't have the ring of "Ishmael," but what does?

Laying aside the fact that I briefly mentioned why moving to another state, or even anywhere not reachable by bus, seems out of the question (absent several thousand dollars suddenly dropping from the sky), were I picking fantasy places to live, aside from thinking it a good idea to be somewhere where the social services and legal protection situation is relatively positive, I have a tremendous hatred of, and difficulty living with, heat, so I'm inclined to avoid the south. (It's currently 99 here, and due to go over 102 the next few days in a row, sigh.)

Minor note: while I really liked Seattle when I lived there, I wouldn't want to move back, for a variety of reasons, including the increased expense, but mostly because of associations that now make me extremely sad.)

[dutchmarbel]

No offense ken, but it’s obvious that Gary has thought about this I/P situation extraordinarily deeply.

you'd be much better off in the social area (tennant protection, health insurance, basic income) but a lot worse of in the housing department. Finding a place to stay is really really hard: waiting lists for urban appartments with a reasonable rent are in years...