Most Inane Headline Ever

by hilzoy

"G.O.P. Decides to Embrace War as Issue", from the New York Times.

Gee, ya think?

Consider this an open thread, in which, if you feel like it, you can try to come up with an even dumber headline. Not for the faint of heart, I grant you, but we at ObWi embrace life's challenges.

Comments

[Katherine]

I nominate "Bush shows Old Europe a new face of caring and sharing".

Though that one may be sarcastic, in which case it's not as bad.

[hilzoy]

Ah yes, caring and sharing. From the press conference that article refers to: Bush is asked:

"why do you think that you've failed so badly to convince Europeans, to win their heads and hearts and minds?"

And he replies (this is two of four paras, and the two most substantive):

"Well, yes, I thought it was absurd for people to think that we're more dangerous than Iran. It's a -- we're a transparent democracy. People know exactly what's on our mind. We debate things in the open. We've got a legislative process that's active. Look, people didn't agree with my decision on Iraq, and I understand that. For Europe, September the 11th was a moment; for us, it was a change of thinking. I vowed to the American people I would do everything to defend our people, and will. I fully understood that the longer we got away from September the 11th, more people would forget the lessons of September the 11th. But I'm not going to forget them. And, therefore, I will be steadfast and diligent and strong in defending our country.

I don't govern by polls, you know. I just do what I think is right. And I understand some of the decisions I made are controversial. But I made them in the best interest of our country, and I think in the best interest of the world. I believe when you look back at this moment, people will say, it was right to encourage democracy in the Middle East. I understand some people think that it can't work. I believe in the universality of freedom; some don't. I'm going to act on my beliefs so long as I'm the President of the United States. Some people say, it's okay to condemn people for -- to tyranny. I don't believe it's okay to condemn people to tyranny, particularly those of us who live in the free societies."

Yep: the problem the Europeans have with us is that they have forgotten about 9/11, and they want to consign people to tyranny. Our President, winning hearts and minds the world over.

[Gary Farber]

"I don't govern by polls, you know. I just do what I think is right."

Well, gosh. Me, too. Don't we love people who are so modest and aware of their own greatness?

[Jesurgislac]

FOG IN CHANNEL CONTINENT ISOLATED is traditionally the Dumbest Headline Ever in UK newspapers, but I believe it's apocryphal.

[Phil]

Wow, hilzoy, and we wonder how those GOP memes keep popping up all over the place.

[Katherine]

I still can't figure out what he's on about with his comments about GTMO, about how he wants to close it but he's waiting for the Supreme Court to tell him whether he can give military trials or only civilian ones. Considering that (1) Hamdan is actually about whether the military commissions have to comply with Geneva, US law, the Const. etc., while civilian trials aren't on the table, and (2) only 10 prisoners or so have been charged before the commisssions and they have no plans to charge a large majority of the people at the base...

My latest hypothesis is that when he talks about the Supreme Court deciding whether they will be tried in "military v. civilian courts", what he means is that the Court has to decide whether the prisoners get an individual habeas corpus hearing in an Article III court or that the crappy CSRT is it after the Graham Amendment.

Of course, a habeas hearing is not a civilian criminal trial, and a CSRT is not a military trial, and the possibility that the President doesn't even know what habeas corpus is is disturbing to say the least.

This may not be the explanation....he may think something else, he may be trying to deceive people, he may be trying to deceive people AND not know his own policies. It's basically impossible to make sense of his comments in light of what the Supreme Court is actually deciding.

[cleek]

i rather like Defusing the War Over the "Promiscuity" Vaccine because it turns the inane whinings of a bunch of paleolithic Bible literalists into a "war".

[Dantheman]

My favorite headline concerned action by Hershey Foods Corporation to prevent picketing at one of its plants. It read:

Hershey Bars Protest

[Jesurgislac]

Hershey Bars Protest

Wouldn't you?

[Ugh]

Is it just me or do these "terrorist" arrests in Florida stink to high heaven?

[Dantheman]

"Hershey Bars Protest

Wouldn't you?"

If I were a Hershey Bar, I suspect that protesting would be difficult at best.

[cleek]

Hershey Bars Protest

reminds me of those "End Work Zone" signs. when i see one, i like to pretend it's a call to action ("End Work Zone, NOW!"), not a statement of fact.

[Ugh]

In other news:

Administration spying on bank records. Of course leading to calls from the usual http://www.redstate.com/story/2006/6/23/7227/96483> suspects to arrest and hang the reporters. Is there anything the government is not spying on these days?

Iraq's government declares a state of emergency in http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/23/world/middleeast/23cnd-iraq.html?hp&ex=1151121600&en=8fa854281d3e95cf&ei=5094&partner=homepage> Baghdad. A sure sign of last throwing.

[hilzoy]

Katherine: "I still can't figure out what he's on about with his comments about GTMO, about how he wants to close it but he's waiting for the Supreme Court to tell him whether he can give military trials or only civilian ones. Considering that..."

Why assume that he knows any of the things you (rightly) say one ought to consider? I mean, I'm sure in some sense he does want to close Gitmo. Likewise, in some sense I want to climb Mt. Everest. It's just that little gap between an idle wish and a serious intention that gets in the way.

[just]

How about:

"As Campaign Heats Up, Rove Considers Going Negative"

[Jesurgislac]

Cup fans lose trousers over sponsor row

(Okay, this isn't inane: it's just funny.)

[cleek]

Of course leading to calls from the usual suspects to arrest and hang the reporters

one of these days, someone's going to try it. and when they do, all those threatmakers are going to have to run away from their previous calls for violence - the same way they did with McVeigh, Rudolph and Kopp. "oh no, we were being satirical! we're entertainers!"

[lily]

I enjoyed the prospect of "Public hangings in Pioneer Square." It turned out to be a public art display.

[Ugh]

And good ole Moe Lane piles on the journalists in an "Update."

[Gromit]

Moe has sunk pretty low if his only comment on that thread is to further bully the reporters while RedState regulars cry for the noose. Apparently, at RedState, making conservatives look dumb is a worse offense than demanding that journalists be hanged.

[Francis]

as an ex-New Yorker, i always liked

"Ford to City:Drop Dead"

also

"Headless Body Found in Topless Bar"

[cleek]

Quiz: who are these men?

Patrick Abraham, Stanley Phanor, Naudimar Herrera, Burson Augustin, Narseal Batiste, Lyglenson Lemorin, Rotschild Augustine

1) members of the US soccer team
2) members of a jazz septet from the late 50s
3) terrorist wanna-bes
4) characters played by Steve Buscemi

answer

[Slartibartfast]

Well, Denny Hastert is looking dumber by the day. Or at least is maintaining an even strain of dumbness.

[Slartibartfast]

For future reference, Denny, the correct answer is something more along the lines of: "Oops, my bad."

[Jackmormon]

Rotschild Augustine?

Wow.

[Jesurgislac]

And good ole Moe Lane piles on the journalists in an "Update."

Yeah, it kind of reminds me of Hawkeye Pierce: "My kidneys were expecting orange juice." [takes gin] "Silly kidneys."

First Amendment? Silly journalists.

[Prodigal]

I'm extremely disappiinted in Moe.

[cleek]

just in case anyone wasn't sure if the righties were serious about their desire for executing "leakers", this guy sets us straight:

This leaker needs to hang. And I’m not talking in metaphors or code language. They need to hang, as in with a rope.

the commentors agree:

Frankly, the day they are sent to death row for aiding and abetting the enemy, is the day that the rest of the MSM will cease working against their own country.

and...

If the press cannot be neutral on its own, then the every single one of them who can’t prove his neutrality needs to be rounded up and executed.

some are still a little cagey:

If they act like the enemy then they should be treated like the enemy

and some favor less-harsh measures:

They have to put these idiots in jail, charge them w/ treason or something. It is NOT an option, the Slimes and the leakers HAVE to go to PRISON. NOW!!

good stuff. gotta love them deranged conservatives.

[Dantheman]

"gotta love them deranged conservatives."

Why? In all seriousness, why?

And going back to the Ann Coulter discussion in the recent past, again we are seeing the effect of many conservatives laughing her off when she spouts her eliminationist fantasies about having Tim McVeigh choosing the NY Times building as a target or poisoning Supreme Court justices. This sort of [posting violation] spreads through the discourse of her partisans.

And yet, I can't seem to recall a case where, for example, liberals called for summary execution of CEO's to get the remaining ones to support national health care (to take a parallel example).

[cleek]

Why? In all seriousness, why?

for the sheer absurdity of their stance and their rhetoric. if you can't find amusement in that, then all you can see is a mass of violent, seething, hate-filled people who can't stop fantasizing about how they're going to kill their political enemies. and that's just depressing.

[Dantheman]

"for the sheer absurdity of their stance and their rhetoric."

The ones making the statements do not think they are absurd. They are entirely serious. No one present there, and remarkably few at the Redstate post, even suggested such a thing may be going too far.

To the contrary, a founder of this site went so far as to say "I would just like to make this clear to the journalists in question (which is why I'm updating and putting this at the top of the page): speaking as one of the American citizens for whom you are supposedly reporting for, this program was made secret because it was on a need-to-know basis, and both you and I did not need to know about it."

I'll agree it's depressing, but far too many things about the way the average Redstater thinks is.

[Prodigal]

Am I the only one to whom the phrase "Stalinist groupthink" occurs when reading things like the hotair.com entry?

[Uncle Kvetch]

And yet, I can't seem to recall a case where, for example, liberals called for summary execution of CEO's to get the remaining ones to support national health care (to take a parallel example).

OK, it's time for me to come clean. I bought an "Eat the Rich" t-shirt when I was 19. I even wore it a couple of times. In so doing, I exposed The Left for the hateful, murderous cult that it is.

So you see, Ann Coulter calling for the assassination of a sitting Supreme Court justice is an open-&-shut case of "turnabout is fair play."

I'm sorry, everybody. Really, really sorry.

[Ugh]

There is 74 comments on that thread and 2, count 'em, 2, suggest that maybe hanging journalists isn't a good idea.

[rilkefan]

PLEASE DO NOT THROW AWAY.

Will likely be quiet for a while ("A silence opens" is taken).

[xanax]

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth,
The minor fall, the major lift,
The baffled King composing "Halelujah!"

Halelujah! Halelujah!
Halelujah! Halelujah!
(L. Cohen)

Congratulations, Rilkefan & Mrs. R...
and, as Leonard so eloquently put it:
HALELUJAH!

[ral]

Congratulations, rilkefan & family, and welcome to the alternate universe occupied by parents.

[Gromit]

That's a gorgeous baby, RF. And look at that head of hair!

[Jimbo]

What's with this Miami "Al Quaeda" ring of doofuses? What is the Bush Junta dominating the news cycle with it in the stead of?

[Ugh]

What is the Bush Junta dominating the news cycle with it in the stead of?

The bank transaction monitoring? The Baghdad state of emergency? The proposal by the Iraqi gov't to give amnesty to Iraqis who attacked US troops? The fact that a founder of Kool & the Gang died on his watch?

So many choices...

[Bruce Baugh]

The Columbia Journalism Review's "lower case" feature has had some gems over the years:

War Dims Hopes For Peace
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

[Ted]

Ugh -

Don't forget Karzai ripping on Bush about the situation in Afghanistan....

[novakant]

This SWIFT scandal is quite scary actually.

He [Snow] said the first request to the financial network was "a narrowly targeted subpoena," but that SWIFT was unable to comply with it.

"They weren't able to respond to a narrow subpoena, so they said 'We'll give you all the data'."

Mr Snow said the program had safeguards to ensure that the program was used only for terrorism investigations.

"The legal basis for this is routine and absolutely clear," he said.

"Our authority to do so has never been questioned. We are not permitted to browse through this data, nor are we allowed to use it for non-terrorist information."

So for technical reasons they gave them the whole SWIFT database and the Bush admin thinks it has authority to comb through it and everybody else should just trust them. Now SWIFT is an intenational consortium, set up by international banks to facilitate international transfers. Even if there was a crystal clear legal case by US law, and even if every US citizen would embrace this policy as the best thing since sliced bread, it could be and probably most probably is illegal in dozens of participating countries and trusting the CIA in these matters is really asking a bit much these days.

[Tully]

Politics at Play in Dems' Iraq Maneuvering

Ya think?

[Gareth Wilson]

"I Watched Nazi Sex Through Keyhole" is a good British tabloid headline, although the subject wasn't strictly speaking a Nazi. CNN's "Booze Lands Gay Bishop in Rehab" is a worthy contender too.

[Bernard Yomtov]

"I Watched Nazi Sex Through Keyhole" is a good British tabloid headline, although the subject wasn't strictly speaking a Nazi.

Strictly speaking?

[Gareth Wilson]

He was a South African white sumpremacist, and his organisation's flag was a three-sided variation on the swastika. Close enough for a headline, I suppose.

[Prodigal]

My most heartfelt congratulations, rilkefan!

[jaron]

The Chicago Tribune recently had a front-page headline that read "US Offers Iran Fresh Carrot".

Made me laugh, anyway.

[Jesurgislac]

The Chicago Tribune recently had a front-page headline that read "US Offers Iran Fresh Carrot".

sub-header:

"Iran makes Morabaa-yeh Haveej

[Jackmormon]

Two kilos of sugar?

Holy hell.

[Jesurgislac]

Fear the jam makers.

[Anarch]

Fear the jam makers.

For they shall inherit the girth?

[cleek]

kick out the jam makers

[cleek]

how many strikes is this?

[Anarch]

cleek: liberals drove him to it, y'see, so it doesn't count...

[Ugh]

Awkward moments abound in penis pump trial

Maybe not inane.