The Blackest Of Rooms

by von

Houston.  Business, again.  Disturbed by the unwelcome cell phone ring in the middle of a meeting.  Eyes turn.  But I've been expecting it.  It's my father.  "I have to take this call."  In my mind's eye, he says only two words:  She's gone.

I finish the meeting.  What else is there?  I can't stand the thought of condolences, or warm regards, or compassion, or virtue.  The warm squeeze on the shoulder disgusts me.  The voice that tones real sadness and empathy is an outrage.  I don't want to hear it.  I know you know, I know you mean well, and I know it happens all the time -- but I'd rather not know it right now.

Per her strict instructions, there will be one hell of a cocktail party at the cottage in Maine this summer.  It won't be the same, because my first kid -- a son, due this February -- will be there to see it.  She won't. 

UPDATE:  My grandmother's obituary is below the fold.  It seems that I got some details wrong in my retrospective, above -- all inconsequential, but I'll correct them nonetheless when I feel up for it. 

Sue Clark __________, 92, of Worcester, Massachusetts and Prospect Harbor, Maine died peacefully January 11, 2006 at UMass Memorial Hospital in Worcester.

She will be remembered for her love of books, learning, and libraries; Maine and gardening; her concern for the environment; her enjoyment of lively political discussions, cocktail parties, good movies, bridge, and difficult crossword puzzles. All who knew and loved her will miss her unfailing good cheer and her uncanny ability  to make all feel welcome.

Her husband of 37 years, Tilton M. __________, died in 1984. She is survived by her three sons and their families: __________ of __________, Massachusetts; __________ of __________, Massachusetts; and __________ of __________, Indiana. She was devoted to her grandchildren: __________, __________, __________, __________, __________, __________, __________, and __________; and her two great-grandchildren, __________ and __________. She also leaves two nephews, __________ and __________ Clark, of State College, Pennsylvania.

She was born May 5, 1913 in Wilkinsburg, Pennsylvania to William and Marie (Horn) Clark. She graduated from Pennsylvania State University with a BA in 1934, where she was a member of the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority. She received a BS from the Columbia University School of Library Science in 1936, and pursued post-graduate studies at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts.

Sue worked as a librarian at Pennsylvania State University, New York Public Library, City College of New York, and Forest Grove Junior High School in Worcester, Massachusetts.

She was a member of the following institutions or societies: Dickens Fellowship; Friends of the Dorcas Library, Prospect Harbor, Maine; New England Wild Flower Society; Worcester Art Museum; and the Worcester County Horticultural Society.

At her request, there will be no funeral service. Family and friends will gather for a celebratory cocktail party at the cabin in Maine this summer.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to any of the following organizations or charities: American Civil Liberties Union; Audubon Society; Compassion & Choices; Dorcas Library in Prospect Harbor, Maine; Eleanor Widener Dixon Memorial Clinic in Gouldsboro, Maine; Heifer Project Int’l; Mabel Wadsworth Women's Health Center in Bangor, Maine; and Planned Parenthood.  Condolences may be viewed/posted through the guestbook at __________.

Comments

[rilkefan]

"there will be one hell of a cocktail party"

Let us know when to raise a glass in echo.

[SomeCallMeTim]

So sorry, man.

[Jackmormon]

She sounded like one hell of a woman, which I mean in the best of ways. I'm sorry she's gone.

[Francis / BRGORD]

I am so profoundly sorry.

I have nothing else to say except to share my own losses. I doubt it will help, but since i'm having my own tough times i can't really help myself.

I never knew my maternal grandparents: grandmother died well before I was born and grandfather was persona non grata. My paternal grandfather died when I was quite young. I remember quite clearly, however, the loss of my paternal grandmother, and the effect of her death on the family, especially my dad.

but the painful bits are that my wife's mother died just after we were married (in '94) -- the same day we landed in LA after our honeymoon we flew to Sacramento to sit by her deathbed. (thereafter, the first few years of our marriage were just a tad more difficult than we had been expecting.)

and my father-in-law just had a stroke. physically he's ok, but he's not turning much short-term memory into long-term memory. i don't know what his, or our, future holds.

someone much smarter than me once said that life is loss. i reject that notion; life is also joy and love and passion and children (for those who have them) and hope and dreams and victories and all the rest.

but somehow our spirits (ok, mine) are attuned to feel our tragedies more sharply than our successes. that sucks.

i'm sorry; i'm blabbing (blubbering?). Von, while you will always miss her, the worst will pass. this i know from experience. treasure the good memories and just wait for the worst of the pain to fade.

the irish were, as usual, right. very large amounts of whiskey can briefly help.

my deepest condolences.

[McDuff]

Since you don't want warm condolences I won't give them. It sounds as if she wouldn't have wanted the mushyness of strangers on the internet.

However, I shall raise a glass to her. It's not gin, it's rum. I hope she would approve.

[Gary Farber]

I'm so sorry. I'm having a sh-tty week/month/year, myself, but that's neither here nor there.

I'd offer hugs, were they wanted or useful. I'd offer whatever else I have on offer, were they wanted or useful.

None of it matters much. All that will matter, alas, is time. And it will take a year or so, at least.

I wish I had more on offer. I can only say that if one keeps moving, a better time will arrive, but the loss will never be gone. We just tend to learn better how to cope with it.

I'm so very sorry, man. So entirely very sorry.

Do whatever you need to do.

God knows I've not been coping so well with that sort of thing, and I've had practice, even.

I'm sure a better person than me can offer a better thought than sometimes the suckitude just sucks beyond all imagination and all pain, and all we can do is go through it, and survive, and then it's just a bit less non completely suckitude.

That's probably why I'm not a professional at helping with death, loss, and pain.

But if you were around, I'd hug, and let you wail and pound the walls, and do whatever you need to do, and then more. That's mostly all I know how to do.

Do let yourself cry as much as you remotely feel like, and don't feel in the least hesitant to just do it some more, and then some more, and then some more, and then just some more. For as many years as it takes. It changes nothing, save, perhaps, for a bit of our own sanity.

Cherish your kid. Try not to let it hurt him. That's my only other even vaguely useful advice. Try not to let anyone else be hurt, as best you can, by the pain. Because if you're human, that's apt to happen at times, and the only good thing left to do is to try to avoid that as best we can, and then forgive ourselves when we're imperfect about that, too.

Take care of yourself, as well. Don't forget that, either.

[DaveC]

Cant say anything better Gary or Francis. Just want to let you know I read the post, some experiences people have are common but cant really be shared, we are alone in ourselves sometimes, but well, you know if I could say something to help, I would.

[bob mcmanus]

so sorry von

[Anarch]

Wish there was something I could say, but there ain't. So sorry, too.

[Gary Farber]

For now, we're only in this short life together, and that's a good part of why to lack full passion for full-throated attacks about politics, much of the time, at least.

It's all too short, and we all have too much in common, and that's what we need to remember, I think, more than who's right or wrong about this, that, or the other.

Those who act otherwise, I tend to think have suffered little loss, and in that I'm a bit judgmental, I'm afraid.

Less self-righteousness, I suspect we can all, everyone, use, and more compassion, no matter our opinions on political/policy sh-t.

I'm filled with gratitude that Hilzoy is still with us. I was deeply worried, because I do that, and I'm sorry for every moment I focused on trivial crap in the meanwhile.

Because the one thing matters all, and the rest not at all.

I should only be able to be able to remember that all the time, and not the trivial crap.

Playing Sweet Jane now. For everyone who's ever been lonely. Not a lot of info there, but the impulse is a valuable one I wish we could and would cling to more constantly, not that I'm an exemplar there. I'm just saying, and then going.

[Pooh]

Because the one thing matters all, and the rest not at all.

Beautifully put, Gary.

[felixrayman]

For now, we're only in this short life together, and that's a good part of why to lack full passion for full-throated attacks about politics

I take the opposite lesson from the brevity of life, and from the demise, and impending demise of ones close to me.

Let's fight. First with each other, then with death. No quarter given, expected, or possible.

[Gary Farber]

"Let's fight. First with each other, then with death. No quarter given, expected, or possible."

I'll just have to resist calling you the word I self-banned myself by by calling you, FRM.

I wish you greater wisdom. I wish you greater life. I wish you less pain than some of us have suffered, if that's necessary, and if it's unnessary, you simply have my sorrow, and my attempt at forgiveness.

Meanwhile, you add to my sorrow, not my joy, and I feel sorrow for that for you, too.

I hope you grow better. I wish you well.

[Gary Farber]

As a trivial note, I love coffee, but it's possible some of us, myself most included, might do a tad better with a tad less.

Anyone want to talk about favorite music, or something more positive, instead?

[Gary Farber]

It's not really my place to say or ask, but I have to wonder:
Felixrayman, have you experienced the death of a father, a mother, a sister, a brother, a nephew, a niece, a friend, a wife, a husband, a child, a beloved one, a person you cared about for whatever reason?

Perhaps it would help if you told us of your personal pain. Please do.

I have to think that you are not expressing such pain on others for no reason at all.

People don't usually work like that, and I'm assuming you don't act like an ass for no reason at all.

If you let us know the source of the pain, we may not be able to help at all, but at least possibly you'll stop inflicting it randomly on us all, because, you know, that might not be the best way to go, it turns out.

[praktike]

so sorry von. raise a higball for me.

[Jesurgislac]

I'm so sorry, Von.

You probably already know this - but mourning is a process that takes time, and you have to let yourself take that time. Be well. Take care of yourself.

“Don’t waste good gin on tonic,” she’d instruct in a stage whisper, “and never trust anyone who drinks only vodka.”

Thank you for sharing.

[praktike]

or even better, a highball.

[liberal japonicus]

A request that you should feel no qualms about ignoring completely, but I'd love to hear a story or two about her.

[Edward_]

It won't be the same, because my first kid -- a son, due this February -- will be there to see it. She won't.

It's not what you mean, I know, but I suspect in Maine this summer you'll see her reflected in thousands of ways in your son.

Sincere condolences to you and your family.

[felixrayman]

I'll just have to resist calling you the word I self-banned myself by by calling you, FRM.

Why? I don't care. You have my permission.

have you experienced the death of a...etc.

Yes.

Perhaps it would help if you told us of your personal pain

Why? Mine's no better or worse than yours or that of a rat in the subway.

Point is, if there's something about this world you would like to change, well, the clock is ticking. Hurry up please, it's time.