I Guess There's A First Time For Everything...

by hilzoy

But I never, ever thought there would be a first time for this: I agree with one of People Magazine's picks for 'Sexiest Man Alive'. Until today, my track record for finding these picks incomprehensible was unbroken. Mel Gibson? Feh. Tom Cruise? Please. This year's top pick, Matthew McConaughey? Eww. I thought it was safe to assume that People and I just have completely different taste, and that I could look forward to a lifetime of glancing at their incomprehensible annual 'Sexiest Man' stories in the line at the supermarket and chuckling, before moving on the the much more interesting stories of the Weekly World News.

But check this out:

"After fending off question after question about a CIA leak investigation, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald at a Chicago news conference Thursday was then asked the only question that to him was worse.

How did he feel about People magazine rating him one of the sexiest men alive?

"I almost enjoy going back to the leak questions I can't answer," said Fitzgerald, blushing. "Uhhh, I ... I don't wanna comment."

Fitzgerald couldn't wait to get back to talking about the intricacies of corporate fraud. But when pressed about the designation, which he shares with Matthew McConaughey and country star Keith Urban, Fitzgerald, a Harvard Law graduate with a Boy Scout reputation, responded with his typical wit.

"I played a lot of practical jokes on people for a lot of years and they all got even at once," he said. "OK, new topic.""

It's pretty scary to agree with People Magazine, but, well, this time they nailed it. So, Patrick Fitzgerald, if you're reading this and the idea of seeing a forty-something bioethicist when you're in DC appeals, drop me a line.

As a commenter said in an earlier Fitzgerald thread, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

Comments

[spartikus]

You understand there's a curse involved here. Ask Jude Law.

[John Thullen]

Yes, but would you clean the crackers out of your bed if you were expecting company?

And will, the world wants to know, Fitzgerald arrive in a taxi or in a huff? If that's too soon, he could arrive in a minute and a huff.

I, on the other hand, took four years at Vassar. I found out in the third year it was a girl's college. I'd been there yet but I went out for the swim team.

As you well know, there is no Sanity Claus.

[double-plus-ungood]

Well, my bread's not buttered on that side, but I'd make babies with him if Rove goes to jail.

[Gary Farber]

Damn Marxists.

[Gary Farber]

Good thing the investigation is over, innit?

[ral]

All hail Marx and Lennon!

[martha stewart]

Those humourless liberals.

[LizardBreath]

You know, I don't really watch TV news -- I get everything in print or online -- but he is kinda cute, isn't he?

[Opus]

You do realize, hilzoy, that the closest you can get to him is in line behind me? Ok, then.

[we have no name]

Damn commie new yorkers.

[hilzoy]

Opus: yeah? yeah? wanna see who gets there first? Do ya?

[Jackmormon]

I don't want to rain on your parade or anything, but there was that detail in one of his profiles that he lived in a NY apartment for like ten months before bothering to connect the gas, so little was he home.

[Opus]

All the better, Jackmormon! I'm free to do my teaching and research and have quiet evenings at home, just like the life I enjoy now, and then -- when he's not being a prosecutorial maniac -- Patrick can join me for ... well, that's between us.

Bring it on, hilzoy. I'm not one of those cut-and-run Democrats. I'm staying the course. I have a Victory Strategy.

[hilzoy]

Opus: I plan to succeed through sheer force of will. I'm not going to bother with such trivial details as, oh, trying to meet him or anything: I plan to stay in my house, scrunch my face up, and will non-stop until Patrick Fitzgerald materializes in my living room.

Tacitus says this should work; who am I to quarrel?

[liberal japonicus]

Jackmormon, Opus, and Hilzoy, who has the most will? That is the question.

[Mrs. Fitzgerald]

Hilzoy is wrong. Dead wrong. Horrendously wrong. Calamitously wrong.

Hilzoy raised the white flag over eighteen months ago when she said that Patrick was "professional."

Instead of employing the sustained will necessary for victory, Hilzoy embodies the sustained wilt that leads to failure. The stakes could not be higher. A defeat in pursuing Fitzgerald would be monumentally worse than our bust that other year. We as a country cannot allow Hilzoy's defeat to happen and I cannot allow Hilzoy's words go without challenge. Why is she wrong? There are many reasons.

She has NOT done all she can. Hilzoy stated that "I plan to stay in my house, scrunch my face up."

Face-scrunching isn't good enough!

We have thousands upon thousands of Hilzoyian habits to train, and our readers need to be there for that purpose. There is infrastructure that needs construction and reconstruction. Most importantly, the target Fitzgerald is in Chicago, and he need to either leave for Maryland or die.

The first stage: Expel the Fitzgeralds from Chicago.

And so forth.

Tyrants across the world will wrongly believe that if they just gut it out a little longer, Hilzoy will fold and go away. This will make any future endeavors we undertake that much more difficult to execute. Our enemies need to know that when Hilzoy shows up, they will lose, so they might as well just give up now.

Hilzoy's problem is the mainstream media's problem: They observe and report the truth they see, but what they see is a slice.

The best way to honor Hilzoy is to marry her off to Patrick Fitzgerald.

I don't know how many more we need, but if we seek a successful clear-and-hold strategy, the more boots on the ground the sooner the better.

This is a recipe for chaos.
We should not and cannot turn our backs on these people.

Hilzoy has drunk the Daily Kos Kool Aid. She is a loser-defeatist whose own ideas must be defeated, decisively and mercilessly.

There is no end but victory!

[hilzoy]

"The best way to honor Hilzoy is to marry her off to Patrick Fitzgerald."

Yes! Do it!

"Hilzoy will fold and go away"

And I get to be origami too?

[Delicious Pundit]

Hilzoy: "Mmmm, Patrick. Are you a great lover or what?"

Patrick Fitzgerald: "Again, I really can't comment on that. However, let me offer an analogy. Suppose that, in a baseball game, where a batter gets to first base, and then subsequently proceeds to second base, third base, and so forth -- suppose that, instead of starting at home the pitcher allows the batter to start at first or even second base. In that case it would be reasonable to wonder...Hilzoy? Hilzoy?"

[SomeCallMeTim]

Oh please. Those shoulders are sooo fake.

[Anarch]

As a commenter said in an earlier Fitzgerald thread, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

Open question: what would Fitzgerald have to be eating in order to kick him out of bed? Discuss.

[Anarch]

[Postus interruptus...]

As a commenter said in an earlier Fitzgerald thread, I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

Open question: what would Fitzgerald have to be eating in order for hilzoy to kick him out of bed? Discuss.

[LizardBreath]

Lobster. Those little fragments of shell can really hurt if you get one in a sensitive spot.

[Andrew Frederiksen]

Durian would probably be a no-no.

[Jon H]

"Open question: what would Fitzgerald have to be eating in order to kick him out of bed? "

Little "Mission Accomplished!" cookies with Bush's face on them?

[Jon H]

"Hilzoy will fold and go away"

Hey, folding is ideal for a prosecutor who keep socks in his desk drawer and travels a lot.

Hilzoy has the carry-on advantage here.

[Jon H]

"Tacitus says this should work; who am I to quarrel?"

Best line I've seen lately.

I guess Tacitus was that guy at Woodstock trying to stop the rain.

[Gary Farber]

So, I just caught the (well, am in the middle of catching) the taped "Chris Matthews Show," and in between repeated references to how awful "elitists" who "went to Harvard" are, and how various people are great because they're "not elitist," but "regular guys" who "didn't go to Harvard," Matthews did a 30-second segment of still shots of Patrick Fitzgerald while playing a recording of the Contours' Do You Live Me? (Which some may recall from Dirty Dancing.)

Hmm, now he's on about Sex and The City and Maureen Dowd's much-discussed book (she's one of the four other talking heads), so maybe all the elitist remarks were related? (He seems to say that sort of thing on other occasions, though; so does Russert, from time to time, to stick with some of the saner practicioners.)

[Gary Farber]

"I guess Tacitus was that guy at Woodstock trying to stop the rain."

Tacitus as Wavy Gravy.

[xanax]

"Do You Live Me? "

Cool song title.
Way better than the original.

[Gary Farber]

"Contours' Do You Live Me?"

Er, "Do You Love Me?"