OK, so we (his co-bloggers) threatened to do this over a month ago if Sebastian (now officially a full-time ObWinger) didn't supply us with a bio for the About Me page, and he promised he would write something up, but have we seen it yet??? No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.
So I invite you to supply one for him. All entries should be in the third person, relatively short, and (ABOVE ALL) within the posting rules. We'll have a vote after the weekend and let the winner (NO recounts) stand as his life history, until such time he finally supplies a real one. (Please, Dear God, let Fafnir see this post.) Here's my entry:
Sebastian is a tobacco farmer, living on his family's colonial estate in Central Virginia, where he spends his non-blogging hours training stray cats to play kitty volleyball as entertainment at local fundraisers. A proud member of the Young Republicans, Sebastian was recently awarded a Life Time Achievement Award (the youngest recipient ever) for dedication spanning back to the chapter he had founded in his pre-school. Some call him Most Likely Successor to Clarence Thomas
My cat actually is an excellent volleyball player. How did you know?
Hmm, if I were nominated to the Supreme Court as a gay replacement for the black Clarence Thomas, would I be subject to being called "Uncle Mame" or would that be "Auntie Tom"?
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 22, 2004 at 02:29 PM
"Auntie Tom" of course. Alliteration before substance, always.
Posted by: Edward | December 22, 2004 at 02:39 PM
Sebastian is, first and foremost, not the famous WNBA star, Chamique Holdsclaw, mainly due to his lack of a jump-shot, footspeed and dribbling ability (not to mention a few other small details, such as sex and, possibly, race). Sebastian is, however, the star of his local kickball league, as well as the arbiter of all league rule disputes ("His word is God," said one co-participant), such rules being found here www.worldkickball.com. Sebastian's aspirations include hiking Mt. Everest, eating an entire box of Oreo cookies in one sitting, and meeting Solie Moon Frye.
Posted by: Ugh | December 22, 2004 at 02:43 PM
I am however, distantly related to Chamique Holdsclaw. Three brothers came from Germany and each Americanized their name in a different way. One became Holsclaw, one became Holdsclaw and one became Holdsclau. (Somewhere later Holtzclaw broke off but you would have to ask my more geneologically minded aunt about that.)
(That was actual history by the way.)
I think I have eaten an entire box of Oreos in one sitting. I was reading a really long book and I ate them over 6 hours.
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 22, 2004 at 02:49 PM
Funny you should mention that, I was originally going to post "reading The Stand in one sitting," but it looks like you had me covered either way.
Posted by: Ugh | December 22, 2004 at 02:52 PM
I can't improve on Ed's work. Run with it, man!
Also, for the record, I'd just like to note that my gaydar (such as it is) has gone utterly kaput. Until it was made explicit, I didn't realize that Ed was gay, I didn't know that Sebastian was gay, and, most tellingly, I was utterly shocked to learn that Jes is British!
Posted by: von | December 22, 2004 at 03:07 PM
I was utterly shocked to learn that Jes is British!
Yes, I intend to review the archives for Americanized spellings on Jes's part, myself. I'm usually much better at picking up on that via the only thing that separates our countries, as Wilde would say: the language.
Posted by: Edward | December 22, 2004 at 03:10 PM
If Holzapfel translates as crabapple, does Holzclau translate as crabclaw?
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 22, 2004 at 03:11 PM
Sebastian is a haunted house designer and undersea salvage expert. He lives in a boathouse in Colorado that has been in dry dock for approximately two million years. When not writing for Obsidian Wings, he enjoys hang-gliding, archaeology, and time travel. Someday he will rule the world from his secret hideout above the Arctic Circle, guarded by hyper-intelligent white tigers and a solitary but very fearsome wombat, but until then he would like to wish all of you health, wealth, and happiness.
Some call him a splendid duck-billed platypus. To others, he is known simply as... Albus Dumbledore.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | December 22, 2004 at 03:19 PM
Yes, I intend to review the archives for Americanized spellings on Jes's part, myself.
Heh. I worked for many years as a technical writer, and the majority of those years writing software manuals in American English. I now seem to instinctively switch to whichever set of spelling is currently in use.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | December 22, 2004 at 03:21 PM
I don't currently enjoy time-travel. I find it can be quite annoying.
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 22, 2004 at 03:26 PM
Sebastian is the owner of The Pet Set, a chic Palo Alto grooming salon for competitive canines and felines. He is starting production on a clothing line for his clientele and has invented a aero-dynamic swimsuit for cats called the Katini that should be available in early summer in time for that ever important pool season.
He has also just been re-elected (after a nasty recount battle) as President of the Best-in-Show Republicans after running on a platform to cut dues.
Sebastian graduated magna cum laude from Stanford University with a double major in Animal Husbandry and Volleyball Theory.
His favorite book is Oedipus Rex and his favorite film is Bebe: The Musical! based on the tumultuous life of Bebe Rebozo.
Posted by: wilfred | December 22, 2004 at 03:32 PM
SH was born in rural Kryzghqshistan to a poorish farming family noted in the region only for having the longest name with no vowels. At 9 he moved to the American Deep South and after enduring 12 years of being called Sebastian Unpronounceable, changed his name to Holsclaw. An indistinguished youth spent planting feathers and shouting indecipherable non-sequiturs could hardly presage the triumphs to come. Of greatest note: The Southern Sympathizers Sentinel recently featured SH on page one along with the following account: At a RedState DNA donor party, keynote speaker SH gave his entire address in acronyms. Thinking he was speaking in tongues, the audience of auto mechanics and Baptist ministers instantly proclaimed Him the "2ND Coming" at which point, rather than donate his DNA, Holsclaw grabbed a steak knife and performed the first known auto-spleenectomy. Passing the organ around on a plate so all could taste, SH remarked, "IMHO, and FWIW, I am the BMFIATL! Of course, YMMV."
Posted by: xanax | December 22, 2004 at 03:35 PM
Slarty -- "holz" == "wood".
Posted by: Jeremy Osner | December 22, 2004 at 03:44 PM
Sebastian Holsclaw is an experimental software program, running on a massively parallel computer in a secure facility buried deeply under a glacier, whose precise location is a secret. Originally designed to monitor and analyze political and economic undercurrents in the industrialized world in order to provide a predictive model that could then be used for economic planning by a future socialist world government, Holsclaw (Holistic Organizational Logic Interpreter - Socialist Technological Instrumentation Committee) broke free from his original programming, and has been loose on the Net ever since.
And has apparently become gay? WTF?
Posted by: double-plus-ungood | December 22, 2004 at 03:45 PM
The entity we today call 'Sebastian Holsclaw' was unearthed in the late 19th century by a digging team in the west Pennsylvania mining country, where he had lain dormant for millenia. Only the most scant records remain regarding his ancient origin; they indicate that he was closely associated with a group of beings known as 'The Old Gods' or 'The Deep Ones', and that his resurgence was foretold long ago as a time of peril, bloodshed, and volleyball. It is written that those who utter his secret, true name are either gifted with eternal life or driven to dark madness. Shortly after his unearthing, Sebastian joined a band of superheroes known as the Obsidian Locutors, and now spends a majority of his time baking carrot cake and making sweaters for his cat Frisky.
Posted by: sidereal | December 22, 2004 at 03:49 PM
Yeah, I know. It was a leetle joke. And, I know: very leetle.
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 22, 2004 at 04:04 PM
The original spelling of my last name allegedly meant 'wood thief'.
Really.
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 22, 2004 at 04:19 PM
Sebastian: I don't currently enjoy time-travel. I find it can be quite annoying.
You'll change your mind about this. I know: you told me so a week next Wednesday.
Posted by: Jesurgislac | December 22, 2004 at 04:23 PM
this is the best post ever.
I am done with finals! woo! I will be gone for several weeks at least and hopefully in a better mood upon my return. Happy Chrismahanukwanzahsolsyears.
Posted by: Katherine | December 22, 2004 at 04:28 PM
Jes, I'm not sure you used the right verb tense -- better consult Dr Dan Streetmentioner's Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations.
Posted by: kenB | December 22, 2004 at 04:29 PM
I prefer my formations relaxed.
;-)
Posted by: Jesurgislac | December 22, 2004 at 04:30 PM
Jes, I'm not sure you used the right verb tense -- better consult Dr Dan Streetmentioner's Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations.
The 2109 edition is the definitive one.
Posted by: double-plus-ungood | December 22, 2004 at 04:32 PM
Congratulations, Katherine. Now, get yourself to a bar.
Posted by: von | December 22, 2004 at 04:40 PM
I am done with finals! woo!
Have a Guinness on me as well! Congrats!!!
Posted by: Edward | December 22, 2004 at 04:41 PM
"Willen haven be telling" is correct.
Posted by: carpeicthus | December 22, 2004 at 04:42 PM
Congrats, Katherine, same here! (Unless tonight's looming martial arts test counts, but after a few ed policy and philosophy finals, hitting things will be a pleasure).
Happy Festivus Eve!
Posted by: carpeicthus | December 22, 2004 at 04:44 PM
Yes, it's the future retrospective tense. 'You have will telled me'. At least, this has will been the case until the Grammaton Insurrection of 2713, at which point the tense is indicated with odor.
++-good, you should know that you acronymed 'holistic' rather than 'holsclaw', which means we all get to join in!
Holistic OntoLogical Simulator for Communist Leadership And Wealth
Posted by: sidereal | December 22, 2004 at 04:48 PM
Hooray, I just finished the Latin America contracts and have submitted them to the CEO for signature.
(Proofreading note. Contracts meant for Jan 2005-August 2006 ought not be Jan 2005-August 3006. Wasted 30 pages of trees on that one.) I'd have to pick up time travel again to see the fruits of my 1001 year contract.
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 22, 2004 at 04:56 PM
Yeah, I noticed the Holistic Acronym, but assumed it was intentional...or that ++G was helping himself to an extra serving of egg nog. Nice one Sidereal...but as you noted, we all get to play now
HOLSCLAW: Homeland Office of Liberal Solutions for Clean Land, Air and Water
Posted by: Edward | December 22, 2004 at 04:57 PM
Yeah, I noticed the Holistic Acronym, but assumed it was intentional...or that ++G was helping himself to an extra serving of egg nog.
Crap. No and no. Got into a bizarre and unintentional recursive loop. Standard programming error.
HOLSCLAW: Holistic Organizational Logical something something something something something.
Seb, could you change your last name to Holistic please?
Posted by: double-plus-ungood | December 22, 2004 at 05:11 PM
Isn't HOLSCLAW the Holsclaw Office of Libertarian Solutions with Conservative Leanings And Wackiness?
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 22, 2004 at 06:22 PM
how are you going to decide which one goes in the 'about' link?
Posted by: liberal japonicus | December 22, 2004 at 08:28 PM
Isn't HOLSCLAW the Holsclaw Office of Libertarian Solutions with Conservative Leanings And Wackiness?
I thought the "W" was for Wonks?
Posted by: B Alexander | December 22, 2004 at 08:58 PM
liberal japonicus: how are you going to decide which one goes in the 'about' link?
Posted by: Jesurgislac | December 23, 2004 at 03:00 AM
Sebastian Holsclaw™ is the taste sensation we can all enjoy. Made with rich, creamy butter, Sebastian Holsclaw™ on toast is the luxurious part of this nutritious breakfast. Sebastian Holsclaw™ also gets thirteen miles to the gallon and helps remove stubborn stains from leatherette, suede and chiffon. And, for a limited time only, if you buy one box of Sebastian Holsclaw™ you get a second absolutely free!
(Because Sebastian Holsclaw™ is made in factories where nut-products are produced, we cannot guarantee that Sebastian Holsclaw™ is safe for consumption by those allergic to nuts. Do not dispose of empty cannister by burning.)
Posted by: McDuff | December 23, 2004 at 10:03 AM
I really liked that last one. Then again, I really liked them all. I suggest we form sort of a Franken-about from the best of.
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 23, 2004 at 10:42 AM
McDuff, your disclaimer made me wish I had thought to take this and replace all instances of Happy Fun Ball with Sebastian Holsclaw.
Posted by: kenB | December 23, 2004 at 10:51 AM
Oops, I meant this.
Posted by: kenB | December 23, 2004 at 10:53 AM
I considered that, but I figured it was far too unoriginal. Maybe I can steal it for mine, if I ever get one.
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 23, 2004 at 10:54 AM
If you ever get one? Aren't you officially entitled to one already? Or are you still in a probationary period?
Posted by: kenB | December 23, 2004 at 11:08 AM
I just haven't been threatened yet. Plus, it would probably help if I actually came up with a post.
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 23, 2004 at 11:13 AM
I've started a couple of entries, but just can't get the right tone all the way through. So I'll just submit a sentence fragment:
"Tortured by the realization that real lawyers go to court, . . . "
SH's note above that his aunt was genealogically inclined jolted my memory: I knew I'd seen the name before. I have a copy of a Russell Holsclaw genealogical piece on one of my ancestors: an 18th century Swabian settler in the Germanna colony in central Virginia. (Just across the river, and 100 years later, Grant's '64 campaign opened with the battle of the Wilderness). I don't know whether RH was drawn to the particular individual because of his own relationship with the subject, but this is a distinct possibility, which would, if RH is related to our own SH, make SH and me cousins. I noticed, though, that there's an RH on the internet who has signed a petition on behalf of Michael Newdow. Sounds more like a cousin of mine than one of his.
Posted by: CharleyCarp | December 23, 2004 at 12:17 PM
Tortured by the realization that real lawyers go to court, . . . "
Now who's gonna clean up the coffee I just spewed all over my keypad?
Posted by: Edward | December 23, 2004 at 12:23 PM
Strange, I would think it is just as likely that you could write: Five years after passing the bar, Stacia was shocked to realize that real lawyers don't go to court.
Posted by: Sebastian Holsclaw | December 23, 2004 at 07:11 PM