Oh. My. God.

First, I actually watched the Red Sox game. (That's how I think of it. People from Boston don't notice other teams.) This might not surprise anyone, but that's because you don't know me and the tragicomic history of my life as a Red Sox fan. In 1967, when I was young and impressionable, they won the pennant in what I have since come to regard as a cynical attempt to make their fans believe it was possible for them to win anything. I kept believing this lie for over a decade, which stood me in good stead when I became a counselor in a battered women's shelter and needed to understand abusive relationships. Finally I swore off, only to be drawn back against my better judgment in 1986. Ha ha ha. Never again, I said. Never again. And I meant it. And for 18 long years I have stayed straight. I have not looked at a Red Sox game. I have not thought about the Red Sox. When people mention them, I just snicker. Never again.

So why did they have to play exactly the sort of game that made all of us in Boston fall in love with them in the first place? (Well, actually, I gather that was yesterday, but today was pretty great too.) Why couldn't they just lose as usual? My answer: a keen grasp of brainwashing techniques. If you just relentlessly punish people, it turns out, it's not nearly as psychologically disorienting as punishing them most of the time and then, every so often, being really, really wonderful. It's not just confusing; it lets them dare to hope, thereby making their subsequent disappointment all the more excruciating. That's why being a Red Sox fan is infinitely worse than being a Cubs fan: for the most part, Cubs fans know the deal. The Cubs will not win. That's that. No suspense, no bother. Whereas the Red Sox only lose almost all of the time, and when they lose, it's typically in some horrible, heartrending fashion. Which is why I was sitting there, watching the Red Sox for the first time in 18 years, and feeling like The Poor Man, only less eloquent:

"... 6-0 in the top of the third. Wow. They really must want me to get my hopes up. Lots of luck, fellas. Prediction: Yankees win 24-23 in the bottom of the 40th, on a 2-out inside-the-park grand slam by pinch hitter Don Zimmer. ...

... 8-1 in the 7th, Sox threatening. I accept on an abstract, intellectual level that it is physically possible for the Red Sox to win this game. Prediction: Yankees win 43-43* in the 104th inning when Zombie Babe Ruth leaps from his grave beneath the pitcher's mound and eats Manny Ramirez's brain seconds before he can score the winning run.

... Same score, Derek Lowe, pitching a one-hitter, is pulled for relief pitcher Pedro "New York is my Daddy" Martinez, pitching on 3 minutes' rest. Prediction: Yankees win 324-8 in 9 innings. Pedro's arm falls off. At the exact moment that the game ends, Fenway Park is hit by a comet."

I can't believe that they actually won. I assume it's just a ruse to get us to not just watch, but actually care about, the World Series, which they will lose in the seventh game, in a way that makes 1986 look like a normal loss. They will be ahead 843-0 in the 9th, with two outs, when Pedro Martinez, who has pitched a no-hitter so far, walks three people in succession. He is replaced, and replaced again, but the walks keep coming, until the entire Red Sox pitching staff has done its best and our opponents, they who shall not be named, have scored 294 runs without a single hit. At this point the Red Sox stop walking people and start committing horrible errors: dropped pitches, lazy pop flies that miraculously drop through the gloves of outfielders, and so on and so forth. Still, we will think, it's 843-502; surely they won't be able to get another 341 runs before we manage one out. But they will. And then, having tied the game... I leave the rest to your imaginations.

It's pretty mean of them to do this, though.

Comments

[Katherine]

I should have deferred to the real Red Sox fans...Your post is good, but The Poor Man post is the best thing about baseball I have read in a long time.

[hilzoy]

I am not a Red Sox fan. It was just a little lapse, is all. A tiny fall from the state of grace that is ignorance of the Red Sox and all their works.

[Katherine]

I disagree about it being worse to root for the Red Sox than the Cubs, by the way. I've had seasons with the Mets where they made you fall in love with them and lost in heartbreaking fashion--1988, 1999, 2000, even a little run at the end of 2001--and seasons where they just plain sucked, and I know which one I prefer. It's worse for your blood pressure, but it's also more fun--and they can't take any game, or any series, away from you. Even this year: we swept the Yankees and wiped the smirk off their faces after they swept the Red Sox. Sure, we went on to lose 19 of 21, but still.

No matter what happens next week, what this team did will be remembered long after we forget the teams that won the 2001, 2002 and 2003 world series. Those were all great series, and I rooted hard for the team that won in each, but come on--an expansion team with a pool in the bleachers? Disney's team with a waterfall in the bleachers that look like it's from the Mohegan sun commercial? A slightly older expansion team that has won two world series in seven years and still has no real fans?

I think the baseball fans who really suffer the most might be the White Sox. They haven't won a world series for longer than the Red Sox, and no one even notices.

[hilzoy]

Yes. You're right about them being remembered. But nothing can be harder than being a Red Sox fan. I should have realized this in 1967, when I had my first ever crush on Tony Conigliaro. (If you don't know the name, click the link to see why having a crush on Tony Conigliaro in 1967 was bad, though of course not nearly as bad as being Tony Conigliaro in 1967.) It should have been a tip-off. But stupid me missed it, and had to go through nearly twenty more years of heartbreak.

[Katherine]

Oh, man.

That reminds me of my father in law's reaction to the Yankees-Mets world series in 2000.

"Still, a subway series. Pretty cool."
"The last time there was a subway series, my team lost and within a year they had left Brooklyn and my favorite player was paralyzed."

But look, after reading this article I figured out what's happened:

Somewhere on a slab in Boston is a citizen of Red Sox Nation who actually gave his body to the cause.

With the team's future increasingly dependent on Curt Schilling's right leg, doctors decided to try an apparently unprecedented procedure to keep a tendon from slipping around in his ankle. But first, they wanted to test it out.

So they used a cadaver. No way to know if it was a Red Sox fan....

The Red Sox training staff thought of various ways to keep the tendon in place. Special high-top shoes didn't work, and they hit upon the idea of sewing skin in Schilling's leg to the tissue underneath, creating a wall that would keep the tendon in place.

"It seems extreme. We couldn't find a case of it ever being done before," Epstein said. "It was the best way to allow him to have his normal mechanics."

Schilling had three stitches put in at about 2 p.m. on Monday, about 90 minutes before he tested his ankle on the bullpen mound in Fenway Park.

"If it didn't work, he's in the same situation he was before," manager Terry Francona said. "We went out to the bullpen, he did pretty well without it. ... Schill kind of bought off on it, and they did it a day early to see if he could get used to it and let him get comfortable with it. And it certainly seemed to do the trick."

Although there was some fluid and blood leaking through Schilling's sock on Tuesday night, Epstein could see after the first pitch that Schilling was throwing like normal.

The sutures were taken out after the game to avoid infection; if Schilling pitches again, they would be put back in. Epstein said there was no problem repeating the procedure a couple of more times.

"We only have one more series," he said. "People think it's reasonable to do it a couple more times."

Epstein said he did not have further details about the cadaver or where the test procedure took place.

It seems pretty obvious to me: inspired by the Fafblog, they contacted the mad scientist who's secretly kept Babe Ruth's frozen corpse in his basement for lo these many years. Who did some rituals, and tried the operation on Ruth before they let him loose on Schilling.

Seriously--is Dr. Frankenstein working for the Red Sox training staff? And they're planning to do this two more times? This is why I think they are not necessarily destined to win the world series. At least Schilling has had a long, full career already....

[Phil]

As an Indians fan, I can unequivocally state that the second-best thing in the world is a World Series without the Yankees in it. We don't care if we ever win again, as long as they don't either. Congrats, Sox fans!

[crionna]

I, of course, congratulate the RedSox and am happy for their fans, but this:

I rooted hard for the team that won in each

Katherine, the Angels over the Giants? The team of Disney vs. The team of Mays and you chose Disney? There's gotta be a story of Giant hatred there somewhere, so , tell me. ;)

[Katherine]

Afraid not. I was grateful to them for knocking off the Yankees, and got used to rooting for them. Also, the monkey was cute.

[sidereal]

Actually, Disney doesn't own the Angels anymore, and I'm pretty sure the transaction was over before the WS win.

I desperately wish we could swap in The Poor Man for Ron Fairly to do Mariners games. He is beyond terrible. So bad that, since XM Radio has signed a deal with MLB to broadcast all of the games, I will likely listen to Mariners games from the perspective of the other team's announcers. Just so I don't have to listen to Fairly.

[crionna]

I will likely listen to Mariners games from the perspective of the other team's announcers.

Yikes sidereal that must be terrible. Now, I always listen to the radio call of nationally televised Giants games, but at least its Krukow and Kuiper doing the call.

[CharleyCarp]

My cousin Mark St. Amant recently published his book on fantasy football, "Committed." It includes his 2003 letter of resignation as a Red Sox fan, addressed to the ownership. I understand the sentiment, but maybe he should've waited until they choke (as we all fear/know they will) this year.

Man, we sure could use that Bambino back . . .

[Josh]

Now, I always listen to the radio call of nationally televised Giants games, but at least its Krukow and Kuiper doing the call.

Oy. Now, I'm an A's fan, not a Giants fan, so I'm expected to hate everything about the Giants anyway, but I have a special circle of hell reserved for Kruk and Kuip. I can't *stand* Kruk's habit of trying to tell me what each player is thinking, and if I never hear "He hits it HIGH! He hits it DEEP! OUTTA HERE!" ever again it'll be too soon.

[crionna]

Josh

Fair enough. Personally, I like Krukow's karnakian ways, I think its what a color guy should be doing. Thing about Kruk though, as opposed to, say, McCarver, is that he makes a point of defering to Kuiper for insights on fielding and hitting, since they weren't his specialties.

[Katherine]

I have a hard time believing anyone is worse than the Yankees radio announcers. (Cu-ut!) It's the one area where the Mets are clearly better.

Speaking of which, Fox should've kept Leiter for the World Series. At least they seem to have retired that idiot talking baseball.

Game 1...oy. Thank God for the wind in right field and for Keith Foulke, who I think deserves even more credit than Bellhorn for the win. Now they just need one win from Schilling or Martinez.

I have serious doubts about whether Schilling can keep doing this. It's nice that the tendon's not flapping around, but it's not functioning either & I assume we have those things for a reason. At least the orthopedists seem confident the Franken-ankle surgery won't hurt him in the long run.

They should consider moving Ortiz up in the lineup since the Cardinals are apparently afraid to pitch to him. He needs someone stronger than Kevin Millar right behind him.

I have been told I need to find some way to fidget and pace less during games.

[Katherine]

Also, on the subject of announcers: I can't remember whether it was Buck or McCarver who learned in the big leagues that "you cannot see the wind, you can only see the effect of the wind."

Thanks guys. Very deep. Most of us actually learned that by looking at a ^$@&^@$^ tree in elementary school, though.

[crionna]

Either are idiotic enough to have said that.

[liberal japonicus]

I have serious doubts about whether Schilling can keep doing this. It's nice that the tendon's not flapping around, but it's not functioning either & I assume we have those things for a reason. At least the orthopedists seem confident the Franken-ankle surgery won't hurt him in the long run.

I think tendons are slightly overrated (not highly, only slightly) After all, they function to keep everything in place when the muscles fail rather than any kind of frontline service. Given that Schilling's motion is predictable, it shouldn't be too bad. (I say this as a person who has lost his ACL tendon in his knee and living in a country where, unlike the US, older people are supposed to actually age rather than pretend to live like they are 20 year olds)

[Josh]

I say this as a person who has lost his ACL tendon in his knee

Where was the last place you saw it?

(Sorry.)

[crionna]

LJ, I lost my ACL (and will have surgery to replace on 11/2), but I recollect my Doc telling me its a ligament, holding bone to bone. I thought tendons held muscle to bone lest they roll up on themselves.