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September 29, 2004

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No lying.

Oops, that's not bipartisan.

Yes, John Kerry never lies. He was also born out of the forehead of Zeus on a white elephant. You're killing me!

Rule #173a:
No participant may use the phrase 'good question' or any variant thereof (e.g. 'excellent question') without going on to actually answer the question.

In the unlikely event that Ted Kennedy is mentioned, any response resembling:

"I know Ted Kennedy. And you, sir, are no Ted Kennedy."

will result in immediate forfeit of the debate by the utterer.

1. Big bucket of green slime to dump on any candidate or questioner who says the word "Vietnam".

2. Any candidate who makes fun of the other candidate for knowin' stuff will be subject to painful electrical shocks.

3. If a candidate starts a response with a story about a poor or disabled person that he met on the campaign trail, a rubber chicken will be lowered from the rafters into the camera shot for the remainder of the response.

4. Ted Barlow will be allowed to throw beach balls at the candidates at his discretion. (Not really bipartisan, I suppose.)

Rule 4532A "UnRocking The Vote":

No candidate will be required, either implicitly or explicitly, to act, declaim, respond, pander, pretend, pontificate or otherwise engage in behaviors generally deemed stereotypical of the 18-25 year old demographic. This includes, but is not limited to, all instances of colloquialisms/slang, favorite activities, favorite of people to over-imbibe ethyl alcohol with (and subsequent aftereffects), 'hang-ups' and public admissions of general underwear choices.

I'd pay money for this, actually.

3. If a candidate starts a response with a story about a poor or disabled person that he met on the campaign trail, a rubber chicken will be lowered from the rafters into the camera shot for the remainder of the response.

Hilarious!

The audience may toss articles of their clothing onto the stage during the performance of "It's Not Unusual" by either candidate. Underwear permitted.

In deference to the new influence of bloggers, a buzzer will sound each time a lie by either candidate is detected by said bloggers. The debate will be halted if the buzzer is triggered more that 1,723,351 times during any three-minute period. Bloggers must wear underwear over their heads while triggering the buzzer.

If a candidate begins a response with a story about a rubber chicken he met on the campaign trail, a poor and a disabled person will be lowered from the rafters into the camera shot for the remainder of the response. Underwear not required.

Doctor: I'm afraid you have a bad case of Tom Jones disease.

Patient: GASP! Is that common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

The rubber chicken thing is hilarious, but to make it bipartisan you probably want to lower it for any recently-met soldier stories.

Here's a vote for widening it to include the introduction of anecdote as a substitute for evidenced argument. Not being a fan of presidential debates, I can't say if any participant has actually brought his own person as case in point to buttress the anecdote.

I AM a fan of presidential debates. Too bad we're not going to have one. Perhaps we can lower one rubber chicken and one rubber chickenhawk and let them go at it with metal spurs until ... well, until no talking heads will be able spin the loser into the winner.

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