An Obsidian Wings World Exclusive!
The Fafblog is in crisis! As many of you know, the Fafblog -- my only source for traffic information, agribusiness news, and manna -- consists of Fafnir, Giblets, and The Medium Lobster. Last week, Fafnir announced that the Fafblog would endorse Howard Dean for President. Only Dean, said Fafnir, can "confront the katana-wielding shadow-warriors of mounting national debt, rising health care costs, the war on Iraq and the specter of international terrorism."
Now, both Giblets and The Medium Lobster have dissented from the Fafblog's endorsement!
Giblets, the occasional Lord of the Known Universe, immediately declared: “There is only one candidate running for President with the experience and the leadership skills and the me-ness to lead this country to its destiny: and that candidate is me.” Frankly, Giblet’s case is compelling:
Giblets is the only candidate running for President who has already declared himself your lord and master and as such commands your vote. YOU MUST VOTE FOR GIBLETS. Vote for me, America! Vote for Giblets NOW!
Shortly thereafter, the secretive and deadly The Medium Lobster declared his support for Hopeless, Unending Despair. Little is know of Hopeless, Unending Despair's platform -- and that's probably a good thing.
Does Fafnir continue to speak for the Fafblog? Who will get the Fafblog’s endorsement? Can the Fafblog survive this schism? Watch this space, friend -- your only place for Fafblog-schism news.
Fafnir is such a liar.
He had committed his endorsement to me. We had a deal to make him an Undersecretary of Commerce in exchange for his endorsement, but when he figured out that Undersecretary is a job and not what he thought it was he bolted to Dean. Slut.
Posted by: Macallan | January 16, 2004 at 11:31 AM
Medium Lobster's dissent reminds me of this, from the Daily Show on election night 2002:
"We turn now to our senior Washington correspondent, Stephen Colbert, to discuss the midterm results. Stephen, what does this mean?"
"Jon, life is a series of disappointments ending in death. "
Posted by: Katherine | January 16, 2004 at 01:16 PM
First Fafnir endorses Dean. Then Giblets endorses Giblets (which is only proper). Now Medium Lobster endorses...*sigh*, never mind.
Wait! Do I see a pattern here? No! There is no pattern! This can only the work of...CAPTAIN CHAOS! Er...CAPTAIN CHAOS! Oh--uh--or maybe CAP'N CHAOS! Hmmm. Which Chaos is it? Never mind! It is all Chaos! Chaos shall rule the day! BWHAA-Ha-ha-ha!
Posted by: engineer_charley | January 16, 2004 at 01:56 PM
Hey! Who took my "be"? Oh, you tricky Chaos! In my fingertips now, are you! Curse you!
Posted by: engineer_charley | January 16, 2004 at 02:04 PM
Without my "be", I am fading, my consciousness thinning as my particulate matter disperses through the cosmos. I touch the sky. I am the sky. Behold the irony of chaotic oneness. Can you see me? No! I am everywhere and nowhere. Puny things, behold my vastness.
Man, I need to get to the gym.
Posted by: engineer_charley | January 16, 2004 at 02:26 PM
Fafnir is such a liar.
You just can't help youselves, can you?
You with your innate love for smear campaigns....
Fafnir has explained the supposed flip flop on Charlie Rose, Larry King, Ellen, and Judge Judy (don't ask)...but still you continue to perpetuate these partisan rumors...
Posted by: Edward | January 16, 2004 at 03:46 PM
Macallan.....that was priceless.
Posted by: crionna | January 16, 2004 at 03:53 PM
HA! I will not let Fafnir tell me what to do, so I will do the opposite of voting for Dean, and instead write in a vote for FAFNIR! Take that, Fafnir. As a punishment for trying to oppress poor confused Web surfers by confusing them to think a doctor is a president, I will make you president, and then you will be confused into thinking you are Giblets, and no one will know who has eaten the others' lunch.
DEAN FOR NOT-PRESIDENT IN 2004!
FAFNIR FOR GIBLETS IN 2004!
MACALLAN FOR MACALLAN BY APPOINTMENT OR SATURDAYS FROM 1-3 PM!
Posted by: MattK/D1 | January 16, 2004 at 04:22 PM
Oh... now I think I have eaten Giblets's sandwich. Fooey. "Insolent Fafnir eating my sandwich," says Giblets. He is very angry now.
All because I wanted to be a kingmaker.
Posted by: fafnir | January 16, 2004 at 04:55 PM
Hey! Who won Giblets' Cheetohs?
Posted by: engineer_charley | January 16, 2004 at 05:05 PM
Be not forlorn, President of the United States of America Fafnir. Politics is sad and complicated, and persistence is required. Stay away from babies, and wave whenever possible.
Posted by: MattK/D1 | January 16, 2004 at 05:17 PM
Clearly we need a caucus to decide between Dean, Giblets, and Despair (or ol' Schoeper as they call him back in Germany).
I propose a hot-dog eating caucus. Each hot dog consumed represents one 'vote'. Vomited votes can be re-consumed by other candidates.
Posted by: sidereal | January 16, 2004 at 05:25 PM
Sidereal, you are living in 4:21 pm. My brilliant political strategizing of 4:22 pm has resulted in President of the United States of America Fafnir's stunning and unwanted victory over not only despair, but its two horsemen, Giblets and doctors.
The stunning election of 4:22 pm will surely have effects far through 7 pm. Please do not be a reactionary. It is a bad way to start the weekend.
Posted by: MattK/D1 | January 16, 2004 at 05:33 PM
The people of 4:21 pm do not recognize the election of Fafnir. The entire process was a hot, sweaty perversion of democracy.
As of 5:32 pm today, the people of 4:21 pm today secede from this timestream and causality chain. Bring it on.
Posted by: sidereal | January 16, 2004 at 05:41 PM
You cannot secede, people. I am the sky, the everything, the grease that makes it happen. Fafnir is Giblets, and Giblets wants the Cheetoh. We crave the Cheetoh. All timelines split and merge in my vastness. Chaos makes us one and none. Your puniness is puny, puny I say. So puny you cannot perceive the puniness. Chaos is the only thing that matters, and it doesn't matter. Chaos is all. All knowing, all things, all seeing...
Hey, what's this swimming in my celestial consciousness? A lobster, medium sized. Hmmm. The Medium Lobster cannot be the match of Chaos. We shall tango to win the Cheetoh. Yes, tango. Grip the Cheetoh in your teeth and tango with Chaos, the Medium Lobster.
Posted by: engineer_charley | January 16, 2004 at 05:59 PM