I Do Not Avoid Women, Mandrake ...

by hilzoy

Jessica at Feministing is right: this is the funniest anti-feminist article ever. It starts out predictably enough: feminist harridans spooked men into thinking that they had to turn into craven, querulous wimps who never talked back and tried desperately to understand the alien concept of 'feelings'; but "now, over a decade later, women are waking up to the fact that these men are drippy, sexless bores." In our heart of hearts, we women want a man who will stand up to us (true), where 'stand up to us' means not, oh, acting like one of the two autonomous adults in a relationship, but being willing to "look them in the eye and tell them to shut up when their hormonal bickering has become too much" (false).

Apparently, just trying to understand emotions has disastrous effects on men. It saps their élan vital. It turns them into "flabby invertebrates [hilzoy thinks: resist the temptation to dwell on that metaphor!], little more than doormats," and makes them "weak and soulless." The results of actually having emotions are too awful to contemplate; and therefore real men avoid them completely. "I love women", says the author, " and I love my wife because she is brilliant and incredibly strong." Nonetheless, he's a real man, and:

"The truth is, a real man doesn't care what any woman thinks of him. He doesn't care what anyone thinks of him: he answers solely to his spirit. Real men don't pretend or even try to understand women. (...) They simply watch them drift by like so many clouds on the horizon. They don't get entangled in a woman's feelings and listen to her prattling on and on until she's talked herself out. Such strong and stoic men are exactly what women need to anchor themselves amid the chaos of their emotions."

Shorter real man: "I do not avoid women, Mandrake; but I do deny them my essence."

Likewise, the author tells us this: "I don't believe in working on relationships and making artificial efforts to give them substance." Wise words, grasshopper! As we all know, relationships work best when they sprout up unbidden, like little mushrooms in the basement, and are allowed to develop any old way they please. Actually trying to sort out problems, to work out compromises, to figure out when you're in the wrong and what you can do about it -- these just inject a deadly artificiality into the whole business. Much better to let quarrels fester and wounds turn septic than to try to work things through.

This is all pretty much par for the course, though. Those emasculating feminists with their whimpering half-men, those terrifying emotions that any real man who valued his real manliness would flee in horror (yet, curiously, without calling his manly courage into question), those horrible conversations about relationships -- they're familiar from a thousand similar articles. So is the deepest confusion of all: between someone who is sure enough of himself to be his own man and someone who just doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. It's a confusion someone would be unlikely to make if he were strong enough that he did not need to regard emotions -- whether his own or anyone else's -- as a threat, or to think that the only way not to become a "flaccid invertebrate" is to regard women with indifference; to "watch them drift by like so many clouds on the horizon."

While, of course, simultaneously doing something he calls 'loving' them. Whatever that means.

What makes this particular piece well and truly jump the shark is this passage:

"My wife is older and more successful than I am, but the bedroom has always been the arena in which I have brought her down to earth.

The female orgasm is the natural mechanism by which men assert dominion over women: a man who appreciates this can negotiate whatever difficulties arise in his relationships with them.

Last Christmas, my wife threw me out after discovering I'd been cheating on her. On the night we got back together, I made strong, passionate love to her. Unfaithful as I'd been, I was not going to let her have me over a barrel for the rest of our marriage. I needed to keep a sense of self and not allow her to mire me in guilt and a desperate quest of forgiveness.

I needed to let her know what she would be missing if we broke up for ever. I gave her a manful bravura performance that night, and at the height of her passion, I asked her: 'Who's the boss?'

The question threw her. Initially she wouldn't give me a reply, but I enticed it from her. 'You are,' she finally gasped. 'You are!'"

I don't have the patience to tackle his fantastical ideas about female orgasms. Instead, I'll just note this bit: "I needed to keep a sense of self and not allow her to mire me in guilt". I would have thought that a strong person, male or female, wouldn't need someone else to bring on the guilt in the wake of infidelity. When you've done something wrong, you've done something wrong; and it's not a sign of strength to try to avoid that fact. Nor would a strong person with a "sense of self" need to "entice" his lover, at that particular moment, to tell him that he's the boss. If he were really his own boss, he wouldn't need to be hers. But then, if he were really his own boss, he wouldn't have cheated on her to begin with unless he really was prepared to accept the consequences; and he wouldn't be forcing "enticing" her to give him the obedience he had been unable to give himself.

And if he had any sense of irony, he wouldn't have described this episode right after claiming that he loves his wife because she is "incredibly strong." Unless, of course, by "love" he means "enjoy the challenge of defeating". But that's just too depressing to contemplate.

Comments

[SomeOtherDude]

The Movie Mad Max, I've never really fell for Gibson's charms.

[Anderson]

Everyone knew that Heidegger was in the NAZI Party, but many didn’t realize the extent of his involvement.

Heidegger liked the Nazis much better than the Nazis liked him.

[Jesurgislac]

What Liz Jones says Nirpal actually thinks about her:

This is what I found out:

1. He hates being a husband; he feels "unbelievable pressure" being married.

2. He was very unhappy for the first two years we were together; so much so he comfort ate until he reached 17 stone. I thought he was just greedy.

3. For the two years we have been married, he has had the attitude, "I am going to do whatever I want, and if she doesn't like it, she can kick me out".

4. He loves me. (I find this a bit weird and warped. Loves me how, exactly? Like a mum?)

5. He loves his new bike but was pedalling like mad and getting nowhere for ages, and then yesterday he found out he could change gear.

6. He finds me "emotionally distant and physically reticent". I asked for an example. He said, "Today, when I was feeling a moment of depression, my friend rubbed my back but you did nothing." (I could have pointed out that I bought him a new suit for the funeral, paid for it to be altered, picked it up, ordered the flowers and picked them up, bought him a grey wool Helmut Lang tie and a Helmut Lang belt, took a day off work to go with him, polished his shoes.)

7. He always knew we wouldn't last.

8. He married me because he was "in awe" of me (he isn't any longer) and wanted a nice lifestyle. He is really annoyed that I told him I was four years younger than I actually am. (This is something I deeply regret. What can I say? When you are in your late 30s before someone shows you any attention, you don't want to put him off.)

9. His best friend said that I was using him like a battery, feeding off his energy. I pointed out that only one of us takes an afternoon nap, and it isn't me.

10. He thinks I married him because it heightens my kudos to have a young, handsome husband, and that all my female friends must be jealous. (They aren't.)

[Slartibartfast]

And I think many of right-wingers (Jewish and Christian) will claim Gibson is "born-again".

Eh? I thought Gibson was Catholic. Catholics are not "born again".

[LowLife]

The operating theory here seems to be "Boys rule, girls drool." I admit that I have some sympathy for the notion just as I was fairly certain, back in the day, that it was girls that had cooties (though admittedly, I couldn't wait to catch them). On the subject of female orgasm I'm sure it was Woody Allen that demonstrated that it is a myth. If anyone would know, it would be he.

I think its a mistake for us guys to be too vocal with our superiority for it puts us at a disadvantage. Talking, relationship analysis, interpersonal communication, those are things that girls are good at. If you have to talk to them keep the topic on cars or sports.

[LowLife]

I went to a New Year's Eve party back in the mid-eighties put on by a Jewish group on behalf of the many Russian Jews that found their way to Southfield, MI in the seventies and eighties. The people at my table were delighted that I had read Pushkin (though he doesn't always seem generous in his depiction of Jews) and disapproved of Solzhenitsyn. They claimed he was "too realistic".

[Gary Farber]

"On the subject of female orgasm I'm sure it was Woody Allen that demonstrated that it is a myth. If anyone would know, it would be he."

I know a fair amount about my former neighbor, the guy I shared several elementary and high school teachers with (albeit twenty years apart) and I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. What are you talking about?

[LowLife]

I went to a New Year's Eve party back in the mid-eighties put on by a Jewish group on behalf of the many Russian Jews that found their way to Southfield, MI in the seventies and eighties. The people at my table were delighted that I had read Pushkin (though he doesn't always seem generous in his depiction of Jews) and disapproved of Solzhenitsyn. They claimed he was "too realistic".

[Jesurgislac]

From some list of "10 things you should know about orgasms", I think it's quite clear why Woody Allen claimed female orgasm to be a myth:

One: He's jealous:

3. After studying orgasm for 22 years, William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian of the Centre for Marital and Sexual Studies in California reported a maximum 134 per hour for a woman against 16 for a man

5. The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds; the average female orgasm lasts 20 seconds

Two: He's nervous.

6. More than half of the women surveyed by Shere Hite in 1994 admitted faking orgasm while only 42 per cent had ever experienced orgasm with a male partner

[Gary Farber]

"On the subject of female orgasm I'm sure it was Woody Allen that demonstrated that it is a myth. If anyone would know, it would be he."

I know a fair amount about my former neighbor, the guy I shared several elementary and high school teachers with (albeit twenty years apart) and I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. What are you talking about?

[Andrew]

No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.

Federal Wildlife Marshall Whillenholly

[Gary Farber]

"I think it's quite clear why Woody Allen claimed female orgasm to be a myth"

And your cite for the claim that he made such a claim is?

[LowLife]

Gary - mmmm, I don't know if I know what I'm talking about. I kinda, sorta remember a quote for Annie Hall, or some such, where Woody is having a locker room talk with his buddy and asserts that female orgasm is a myth. I know it goes against the randy characterizations of women in other movies such as Love and Death and Midsummer's Night Sex Comedy and I haven't been able to find the quote. Unfortunately, I can't do the sort of search here that might yeild better results.

[LowLife]

Gary - mmmm, I don't know if I know what I'm talking about. I kinda, sorta remember a quote for Annie Hall, or some such, where Woody is having a locker room talk with his buddy and asserts that female orgasm is a myth. I know it goes against the randy characterizations of women in other movies such as Love and Death and Midsummer's Night Sex Comedy and I haven't been able to find the quote. Unfortunately, I can't do the sort of search here that might yeild better results.

[SomeOtherDude]

Eh? I thought Gibson was Catholic. Catholics are not "born again".

Posted by: Slartibartfast | August 09, 2006 at 09:35 AM

I know I'm just playing with words.

His friends in right-wing Hollywood will claim he has been "renewed" and has “seen the light”.

Many mainline Protestants do not use the "born-again" language either. (It was what separated Bush 1 from Bush 2).

[Gary Farber]

Back on the topic of reacting to writers via their politics and other personal characteristics, John Scalzi has some apt things to say.

"I kinda, sorta remember a quote for Annie Hall, or some such, where Woody is having a locker room talk with his buddy and asserts that female orgasm is a myth."

Hint: Annie Hall is a work of "fiction" and Alvy Singer is a "character," and things that characters in fiction say are not Actual Opinions of the author.

Neither did Allan Stewart Koenigsburg live in a house under the roller coaster at Coney Island.

I was sure it was something like this. Naturally, Jes instantly believes it.

[John Thullen]

Gary:

I think what we have here is Zelig meeting Zelig in a pure synthesis of zeligness.

Jes:

Sixteen male orgasms in one hour, by one guy? That violates the 20-minute rule. Somebody must have been faking. Plus if you share a cigarette after each one, that doesn't leave much time for foreplay. Think of the nap that guy needed afterwards.

They studied orgasms for 22 years? That would make each of them 34 years of age. I went for a graduate degree in orgasms but I never finished the thesis, though my advisor and I met for an hour per week. I was interrupted by marriage.

Now that I think about it, Joseph Campbell mentioned this guy in "The Hero With A Thousand Faces".

[John Thullen]

Gary:

I think what we have here is Zelig meeting Zelig in a pure synthesis of zeligness.

Jes:

Sixteen male orgasms in one hour, by one guy? That violates the 20-minute rule. Somebody must have been faking. Plus if you share a cigarette after each one, that doesn't leave much time for foreplay. Think of the nap that guy needed afterwards.

They studied orgasms for 22 years? That would make each of them 34 years of age. I went for a graduate degree in orgasms but I never finished the thesis, though my advisor and I met for an hour per week. I was interrupted by marriage.

Now that I think about it, Joseph Campbell mentioned this guy in "The Hero With A Thousand Faces".

[LowLife]

Cheese, Gary. If I would have known about the psychic connection between you and Mr. Allen I would never have brought it up. Jes was just riffin off of something I said (sorry Jes). From now on, I promise, when I write something with my tongue in my cheek I'll take my teeth out in case you make me eat my words, to mix a med or four.

[John Thullen]

I can make the same exact comment twice in a four-minute time period.

[LowLife]

Cheese, Gary. If I would have known about the psychic connection between you and Mr. Allen I would never have brought it up. Jes was just riffin off of something I said (sorry Jes). From now on, I promise, when I write something with my tongue in my cheek I'll take my teeth out in case you make me eat my words, to mix a med or four.

[Jesurgislac]

I can make the same exact comment twice in a four-minute time period.

But do you have a cigarette afterwards? ;-)

[John Thullen]

No, I don't smoke.

Instead , we engage in peer review.

[Slartibartfast]

I'm not sure I could harsh a perfectly good mellow like that, John.

[SomeOtherDude]

From Manhattan

Party Guest: I finally had an orgasm and my doctor said it was the wrong kind.

Isaac: You had the wrong kind? I've never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money.

[The Local Crank]

{TLC: that is not shorter at all. It has 176.92307692% as many words as "I do not avoid women, Mandrake; but I do deny them my essence."}

I--I have been...outgeeked...
(Hangs head in shame)

[Gary Farber]

SomeOtherDude, your point is that Woody Allen writes jokes?

[DaveC]

Heidigger was a smartass intellectual, his main pitch, at least when I met him and shook his hand, was that he was smarter than everybody else, and that nobody could possibly understand the classics better than he, because he could look into the souls of the ancients. The dicussion was On phenomenolgy and hermenueutics.

Now, can look into my soul from some comment I posted.? I rather doubt it.

[John Thullen]

DaveC:

You are much too scarce around here and elsewhere. I've used comments you've written as a window to your soul and I like what I see.

So there. ;)

[Fraser]

One final point on analyzing authors based on their works: Robert Bloch's delightful short story, "The Closer of the Way," in which a psychiatrist interviewing Bloch in the madhouse shows how his stories clearly prove him to be a homicidal maniac.

[SomeOtherDude]

Posted by: Gary Farber | August 10, 2006 at 01:17 AM

And very funy ones, at that!

[LowLife]

Some Woody Allen character, whose name I don't know if I ever paid any attention when I saw the movie thirty years ago, said, "Sex is like death, both only happen once in a lifetime", I think.

[Gary Farber]

"Robert Bloch's delightful short story, "The Closer of the Way," in which a psychiatrist interviewing Bloch in the madhouse shows how his stories clearly prove him to be a homicidal maniac."

After all, everyone knows that Bob Bloch had the heart of a small child.

SomeOtherDude: "And very funy ones, at that!"

Reportedly Woody Allen thought Manhattan was so bad after he finished it that he wanted to burn it.

Man, but he's always been one depressed dude. Like most people, I think it's one of his very best films.

[SomeOtherDude]

Manhattan was/is a darker Annie Hall.