My local news anchors mocked it mercilessly last night. The Chicago Sun-Times notes that critics are comparing it to abstract art. And Wonkette suggests it's just the latest clandestine effort to spread the "gay agenda." For me it's just too plain hideous to bother trying to work out what it means.
I'm talking, of course, of the Department of Agriculture's new "food pyramid" (there are 12 actually, but do I really have to not care 12 times? that's too much work). Here's what they're offering
And apparently you're meant to find the pyramid that's right for you. OK, to be fair, there is a handy online "My Pyramid" selector tool. Enter your age, sex, and physical activity level and you'll get a personalized chart (eventually...apparently that website is receiving high volumes of traffic, because it took 15 minutes for my info to show up). You won't be able to make any better sense of it than any of the others, but it feels nice to know you're special.
The figure walking up the side of the Pyramid (the one with no torso, taking the steps two at a time, and apparently unaffected by gravity or the slant of the incline) is there to remind you to get your exercise. (Note to Department of Agriculture: You want to motivate me? Appeal to my vanity. Replace that stick cartoon with a good-looking, shirtless 20-something with abs of steel. [just kidding honey ;-) ].)
Here's what I'm supposed to be eating:
Dark Green Vegetables = 3 cups weekly
Orange Vegetables = 2 cups weekly
Dry Beans & Peas = 3 cups weekly
Starchy Vegetables = 6 cups weekly
Other Vegetables = 7 cups weekly
Here's what I'll actually be eating:
Coffee with three spoons of sugar and milk = 7-9 cups weekly
Beer, whiskey, wine = countless cups weekly
Nachos and quesadillas = countless cups weekly
Plov, Laghman, other delicious, but fattening Kyrgyz dishes = 7 cups weekly (that is, so long as my partner doesn't see my suggestion for the pyramid climber)
Assorted junk food = 6 cups weekly
UPDATE: For the record, my partner actually has abs of steel, and I only wish I did.
three cups of dry beans per week ?
i suppose it'll be easier the second week when i won't be tempted to chew them, having destroyed my teeth the first week.
Posted by: cleek | April 20, 2005 at 11:34 AM
Dinner last night, 'cause we were lazy: a couple of forkfulls of pickled herring, 8 chocolate chip cookies, one Jamaican beer, and something I hope was artichoke salad at the back of the fridge. In that order.
Out of popcorn.
Posted by: John Thullen | April 20, 2005 at 12:04 PM
Edward: Plov, Laghman, other delicious, but fattening Kyrgyz dishes = 7 cups weekly (that is, so long as my partner doesn't see my suggestion for the pyramid climber)
Remember the Golden Rule of dieting, Ed: If it's foreign, it's non-fattening.
cleek: i suppose it'll be easier the second week when i won't be tempted to chew them, having destroyed my teeth the first week.
A day or two before my folks left their old house for good, I cooked a "scavenger's chilli" with all the foodstuffs that were being left behind. Included in this mix was, I dunno, maybe four cups of dried pinto beans. I soaked them overnight then simmered them for about two hours in the chilli. Upon eating, the beans were like little rocks. "No problem", says I, "We'll just let it simmer longer!"
Six hours later, the beef was beyond fork-tender, the broth was luscious and rich, the flavors were incredible... and the beans were still crunchy. They were still crunchy when we stashed the chilli in the fridge overnight and they were still crunchy the next day when we polished them off. And my dad has now added the phrase "crunchybeans!" (all one word) to our culinary lexicon, god rot him.
Teach me to make chilli with 10-year old pinto beans.
Posted by: Anarch | April 20, 2005 at 12:12 PM
Coffee with three spoons of sugar and milk = 7-9 cups weekly
Only seven to nine a week? Counting the Diet Mountain Dews, I'm at about 7-9 caffienated drinks a day.
Posted by: von | April 20, 2005 at 12:15 PM
Remember the Golden Rule of dieting, Ed: If it's foreign, it's non-fattening.
I told myself that the first two years, but the ever-expanding waistline is arguing against it.
Only seven to nine a week? Counting the Diet Mountain Dews, I'm at about 7-9 caffienated drinks a day.
I can't sleep if I drink more than that...my body wants it, but I have to convince it otherwise. I'm impressed you ever sleep with all that Dew.
Posted by: Edward | April 20, 2005 at 12:18 PM
Did Tom Ridge get reassigned to FDA and take the color code with him?
[/snark]
Posted by: ral | April 20, 2005 at 12:46 PM
Only seven to nine a week? Counting the Diet Mountain Dews, I'm at about 7-9 caffienated drinks a day.
i have a 1/3 cup of tea each morning - never after 11am on a weekday. any more than that and i'm twitching like a fiend all day, and can't sleep at night.
Posted by: cleek | April 20, 2005 at 12:58 PM
I'm impressed you ever sleep with all that Dew.
You sleep?
Posted by: von | April 20, 2005 at 01:06 PM
hmmm........
Posted by: mky | April 20, 2005 at 02:00 PM
uh oh...
Posted by: Edward | April 20, 2005 at 02:04 PM
Don't kid us, von: we know you sleep. That's why you never post after 2am.
Posted by: Anarch | April 20, 2005 at 02:07 PM
Dark chocolate is my main food group.
Posted by: votermom | April 20, 2005 at 02:59 PM
Dark chocolate is my main food group
And it's good for you!
Well, in moderation, but what fun is that?
Posted by: felixrayman | April 20, 2005 at 03:19 PM
A pox on moderation. Life is short.
Posted by: votermom | April 20, 2005 at 03:41 PM
The key to chocolate is to be a complete snob about it. Never eat bad chocolate. Eat only chocolate with a >70% cacao content from a reputable country (ie Belgium, Switzerland, France).
Posted by: Dianne | April 20, 2005 at 03:43 PM
Oh, absolutely, Dianne! I totally agree.
Trader Joe's has this organic dark chocolate that is 73% cacao -- it's like uncut heroin. Mmmm....
Posted by: votermom | April 20, 2005 at 04:12 PM