Sebastian Holsclaw Fantasy Bio Contest: Part II

Many thanks to all who participated in the "Sebastian Holsclaw Fantasy Bio Contest"...if this were that sort of place, I'd give gold Ribbons of Participation to you all. But this is a slightly crueler place, where only one thing matters in the end: smashing all enemies with an iron fist to further consolidate my unmitigated power over the will and souls of all mankind...no, wait...that's the tennis court...what matters here is updating the About Me Page.

So, I've listed the entries and now ask for you to vote. Select, by letter, your first and second favorites. Two points will be awarded to each first favorite and one point to each second. The voting will end by 12:00pm tomorrow (12/28/04). The winner will serve as Sebastian's bio until such time he gets so many bizarre solicitations he provides a real one.

PS, FYI: This ain't Ukraine...we can check by IP address if you're voting more than once. ;-)

PPS. My apologies to anyone who's formatting was lost in the cut-n-paste. Also, if your entry doesn't appear below, please let me know. I think I got them all, but the haze of the holidays and some sinus congestion are futzing with my ability to focus.

A. Sebastian Holsclaw™ is the taste sensation we can all enjoy. Made with rich, creamy butter, Sebastian Holsclaw™ on toast is the luxurious part of this nutritious breakfast. Sebastian Holsclaw™ also gets thirteen miles to the gallon and helps remove stubborn stains from leatherette, suede and chiffon. And, for a limited time only, if you buy one box of Sebastian Holsclaw™ you get a second absolutely free! (Because Sebastian Holsclaw™ is made in factories where nut-products are produced, we cannot guarantee that Sebastian Holsclaw™ is safe for consumption by those allergic to nuts. Do not dispose of empty cannister by burning.)

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B. The entity we today call 'Sebastian Holsclaw' was unearthed in the late 19th century by a digging team in the west Pennsylvania mining country, where he had lain dormant for millenia. Only the most scant records remain regarding his ancient origin; they indicate that he was closely associated with a group of beings known as 'The Old Gods' or 'The Deep Ones', and that his resurgence was foretold long ago as a time of peril, bloodshed, and volleyball. It is written that those who utter his secret, true name are either gifted with eternal life or driven to dark madness. Shortly after his unearthing, Sebastian joined a band of superheroes known as the Obsidian Locutors, and now spends a majority of his time baking carrot cake and making sweaters for his cat Frisky.

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C. Sebastian Holsclaw is an experimental software program, running on a massively parallel computer in a secure facility buried deeply under a glacier, whose precise location is a secret. Originally designed to monitor and analyze political and economic undercurrents in the industrialized world in order to provide a predictive model that could then be used for economic planning by a future socialist world government, Holsclaw (Holistic Organizational Logic Interpreter - Socialist Technological Instrumentation Committee) broke free from his original programming, and has been loose on the Net ever since.

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D. SH was born in rural Kryzghqshistan to a poorish farming family noted in the region only for having the longest name with no vowels. At 9 he moved to the American Deep South and after enduring 12 years of being called Sebastian Unpronounceable, changed his name to Holsclaw. An indistinguished youth spent planting feathers and shouting indecipherable non-sequiturs could hardly presage the triumphs to come. Of greatest note: The Southern Sympathizers Sentinel recently featured SH on page one along with the following account: At a RedState DNA donor party, keynote speaker SH gave his entire address in acronyms. Thinking he was speaking in tongues, the audience of auto mechanics and Baptist ministers instantly proclaimed Him the "2ND Coming" at which point, rather than donate his DNA, Holsclaw grabbed a steak knife and performed the first known auto-spleenectomy. Passing the organ around on a plate so all could taste, SH remarked, "IMHO, and FWIW, I am the BMFIATL! Of course, YMMV."

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E. Sebastian is the owner of The Pet Set, a chic Palo Alto grooming salon for competitive canines and felines. He is starting production on a clothing line for his clientele and has invented a aero-dynamic swimsuit for cats called the Katini that should be available in early summer in time for that ever important pool season. He has also just been re-elected (after a nasty recount battle) as President of the Best-in-Show Republicans after running on a platform to cut dues. Sebastian graduated magna cum laude from Stanford University with a double major in Animal Husbandry and Volleyball Theory. His favorite book is Oedipus Rex and his favorite film is Bebe: The Musical! based on the tumultuous life of Bebe Rebozo.

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F. Sebastian is a haunted house designer and undersea salvage expert. He lives in a boathouse in Colorado that has been in dry dock for approximately two million years. When not writing for Obsidian Wings, he enjoys hang-gliding, archaeology, and time travel. Someday he will rule the world from his secret hideout above the Arctic Circle, guarded by hyper-intelligent white tigers and a solitary but very fearsome wombat, but until then he would like to wish all of you health, wealth, and happiness. Some call him a splendid duck-billed platypus. To others, he is known simply as... Albus Dumbledore.

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G. Sebastian is, first and foremost, not the famous WNBA star, Chamique Holdsclaw, mainly due to his lack of a jump-shot, footspeed and dribbling ability (not to mention a few other small details, such as sex and, possibly, race). Sebastian is, however, the star of his local kickball league, as well as the arbiter of all league rule disputes ("His word is God," said one co-participant), such rules being found here www.worldkickball.com. Sebastian's aspirations include hiking Mt. Everest, eating an entire box of Oreo cookies in one sitting, and meeting Solie Moon Frye.

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H. Sebastian is a tobacco farmer, living on his family's colonial estate in Central Virginia, where he spends his non-blogging hours training stray cats to play kitty volleyball as entertainment at local fundraisers. A proud member of the Young Republicans, Sebastian was recently awarded a Life Time Achievement Award (the youngest recipient ever) for dedication spanning back to the chapter he had founded in his pre-school. Some call him Most Likely Successor to Clarence Thomas

Comments

[Don Quijote]

C

[it's a secret]

(1) B
(2) C

[Dantheman]

1st choice B
2nd choice F

[Jesurgislac]

(1) H.
(2) A.

[Anarch]

1st: A
2nd: B

[Mark Shawhan]

1) B
2) F

[ScottM]

1) D
2) A

[von]

1 -- H
2 -- F

[Dianne]

So many choices...but if it has to come down to two...1.H, 2.B

[debbie]

1) B
2) H

[R J Keefe]

First: A (that touch of Fafblog)
Second: D (IMMLOL)

[votermom]

B

[The42ndGuy]

first choice B, second choice C

[murat]

B

[Bernard Yomtov]

1. A
2. H

[dutchmarbel]

H

[Tim H.]

1st - B Sebastian Shuggoth
2nd - C

[Randy Paul]

1.) B

2.) H

[liberal japonicus]

H, then A

But no matter what the result I will demand a recount...

[Dell Adams]

A (UBIK; RIP, PKD)
C (HOLISTIC)

[liberal japonicus]

Hmmm, DA's UBIK reference has me suggest that Sebastian resembles in no small way Palmer Eldritch...

[Sebastian Holsclaw]

I have no magic powers. And anyone who suggests otherwise may find themselves turned into a frog.

[lies, secrets, silence]

B

[Anarch]

Hmmm, DA's UBIK reference has me suggest that Sebastian resembles in no small way Palmer Eldritch...

I must've missed the stigmata...

[platosearwax]

A

[Jesurgislac]

*ribit* *ribit* *ribit*